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"santana?" rachel asked once she found her friend.
she was crying. she looked defeated. and rachel couldn't blame her, she couldn't relate, but she could understand.
santana looked up briefly but didn't say a word. just went back to cry.
"hey..." rachel sighed.
she didn't really know what to say. should she say something to comfort her? should she just hug her? should she leave her alone? should she ask her about it?
rachel decided against the last one, since that was probably the last thing santana wanted at the moment.
santana's sobbings took rachel out of her thoughts. she had been standing her the whole time, instead of helping her.
rachel went to hug her friend, but she pulled away.
"you don't have to do that." santana whispered.
"do what?" rachel asked frowning "hug you?"
"pretend."
"pretend to what?"
"to still like me."
rachel was taken aback. she was not expecting that. it broke her heart.
"santana..." rachel said, feeling her voice break. "how could you think that? you're my best friend, okay? nothing is gonna change that."
"but-" santana started, wiping tears off her face. "aren't you disgusted or- or hate me for not telling you?"
"did you really think that i would be disgusted by you liking girls? i guess you don't really know me then. and clearly, i don't hate you. i think it's cute that you like brittany."
rachel had her suspicions about them, but she never thought they actually got to that.
"didn't someone tell you that? i mean since they're outing me why not tell the whole thing, right?"
"uh... no, i just heard about what finn said. i didn't even know if it was true. i actually came here wanting to ask you about it, but when i saw you crying, i assumed that it was probably true."
"did you know?"
"i can't really said that i'm surprised, but i obviously wasn't sure about it. and... i definitely did not know nor needed to know that you guys slept together. i mean i thought that maybe you made out sometimes or something but not that."
"well, that's how it started."
"how long has this been going on, by the way?"
"since like sophomore year."
"so i wasn't wrong in new york."
"i never denied it."
"well, in the moment i thought you just pretended like i didn't say it but if i think about it now you somehow admitted that i was right."
"i wasn't ready to admit it. i'm still not ready." santana said, looking down again.
"i should have known that finn was an idiot."
santana just gave her friend a half smile, but didn't say anything.
"i thought brittany would be with you. where is she?"
"i don't know. and to be honest, i don't want to know either."
rachel frowned at her response.
"aren't you two together?"
"yeah, but... i'm so ashamed. we've had many ups and downs, i denied my feelings for so long, i even remember clarifying to her how i wasn't making out with her because i was in love with her'. and now... everything is out there. i can't deny it anymore because everyone knows what finn said. and that's probably what everyone needed. i bet they all suspected and he just confirmed it. i'm so stupid." santana finished burying her face in her hands.
"hey." rachel said taking santana's hands out of her face. "look at me." once she did, she continued. "you're not stupid. you were scared, it's not your fault. and maybe you're still scared, but there's two girls who are ready to comfort you and love you through all this mess, okay?"
"thanks, berry. i really appreciate it, dont think that i don't. but i just feel so vulnerable, you know? and i hate it. this is exactly why i didn't want to come out. i wasn't only scared of the judges i'd receive from others, but from myself too."
"i feel like i'm talking to a new santana right now." rachel replied smiling. "because, the santana i know would wipe those tears off, tighten her ponytail, put on her bitchy face and walk down the hallway as if she owned the place."
now it was santana's turn to smile.
"do you want to go find britt?"
santana wiped off the tears of her face, tightened her ponytail, took a deep breath and smiled again, looking at rachel with determination.
