Delilah

Chapter 8

{ DELILAH }

"...There will never be anyone else." He said, walking out the door and leaving entirely.

He left in time not to see the first few tears drop.

This is what you wanted, isn't it, Delilah? That you'd be just friends? That you'd convince him that you don't have feelings for him anymore? That you'd break his heart?

I cried silently in my hands, afraid my father would hear. Even now, I still feel Zac's presence, like a solid rock beside me.

And I don't know what to think. I'm so fucking hurt and tired of all the circles I've walked in and I just want to find a way out. I want to stop running in the same damn directions and just make a freaking choice about what's infront of me; but I can't, because I'm scared. Because I don't want to hurt him and I don't want to add another wound in our-so called-relationship. It's just so fucking hard. It's so hard when you love somebody, and you want to be with that person, but you can't because you have to do the fucking right thing.

I furiously rubbed at my tears. I am not going to sulk here. I can't.

You're strong, I reminded myself. You're stronger than this.

Not when it comes to him. I'm never strong once it comes to him.

I sighed, leaning my head against the headboard. I need to get this out of my system.

I reached for the closest notebook, and got the owl-and-deers hardbound-moleskin that Belle gave me for my sixteenth birthday. I smiled. It was my poetry notebook.

I flipped to the last page and plucked a pen from the pile beside me.

I wrote what I wanted to tell him.

'I didn't want you to leave. 

I know I'm a selfish-ass person who doesn't deserve you but damn it Zachary, you keep coming back. And I don't know if it's wrong of me to be happy about that even though I know I don't deserve it. You keep telling me about how you left me and about how I deserved much better than you but damn, we all know I screwed this one up. Because you're the rushing currents and I'm the still water. You're the whole clear blue sky and I'm just a washed-up cloud. You're the tall strong waves and I'm the soft pale sand. Everything *pales* compared to you. You're not perfect. I don't think anyone can become perfect, but they can always perfect another. And you have always perfected me. Because I can spend all my damn life picking up one after another person in this whole goddamned world and you would be the only one, the only freaking one who would ever understand the mechanics of my own heart. Because you know my heart, even if I don't. You can see who I am, even if I can't. You make me strong, even if I drag myself down. But you can't know that.

I love you and I shouldn't. I'm in love with you and you can't know.'

My hand was trembling now, and the pen shook under my grip. I can't focus anymore, can't think.

I put my pen down, slammed the notebook close and tossed it aside. 

I lie down on the bed, covering my head with my forearm.

The writing helped, but not completely.

I was guilty.

I can't believe I hugged him and told him we could be friends. I mean, what the hell? I don't treat guys like that! That is too cruel.

And God, the way he stiffened up and hardened his voice. I just-

"LILAH!"

My whole body jumped in alarm, and I almost threw over the plate of cookies at the foot of my bed in my haste to sit up.