A Pious Haram Love Story

I was going through some islamic accounts that I was following and saw him uploading reminders.

When I looked into his profile - the swirling wind surrounded me.

As I looked at his "profile photo" my lips gave a awkward smile and I quickly looked away smiling at myself feeling shy as my heart was beating a little faster now.

His name was Abdul Rahman. He was a man I always admired. His posts were full of benificial knowledge, hadiths and ilm. I used to like and comment each and every post of him.

Well, I don't mind to speak that I was attracted towards him as he seemed to have long beard and live life according to sunnah.

On a pleasant night - I was lying on bed and scrolling the screen of my mobile. Suddenly a notification popped up on the screen.

Ohh what? I was completely stunned.
"A Direct Message Request" from Abdul Rahman?
Out of excitement I accepted the request.

Well how can I not be excited when someone with a
a huge fan followers with less following list starts to follow me?

I went through his profile and my heart flattered seeing the only female in his following list was none but me. My reaction was like - "Ohh My God"
"Oh My God" - I Can't Believe It!

The unknown, stranger, religious, righteous man who inspired me a lot sent me salam -
"Assalamualikum warahmathullahi wabarakatuhu - Sister" - how can I not reply?

I replied his message and that's how we started to know each other.
We used to have long conversations late at night and I often used to ask him deeni questions which he always answered in details. He teached me many things about Islam.

Then we exchanged phone numbers.
We loved to talk about Islam, about his favorite speaker Nouman Ali khan, who was mine favorite too.

He was energetic and so pious Ma sha Allah.
He would lower his gaze and I never seen his likes or comments to any of woman's account, like a decent guy. I wasn't practicing Muslimah at that time.

Abdul Rahman told me the importance of veiling/hijab and from that day onwards, I started my niqab. I fell in love with him because of his deen, because of his great character, his love for Allah Subhan'ahu Wataa'la and Islam.

When I was with him I always felt closer to my roots.
He expressed his love for me and asked me for marriage.

I prayed Istikhara because I, from my whole heart wanted to be his bride. I was so happy and I accepted his proposal but I made sure he knew that all that I want from him is to bring strong Islamic value to the table and he agreed.

It was one years ago but now things started to change little by little;

He is the same good man, he calls me - "Love, Jaan, Honey, Sweetheart" and knocks me on phone every night.

He complains me for not spending time together,
he urges me to love him. He treats me like am his wife already which I know am not and he asks me to send him kisses.

He wants me to be erotic with him and do phone sex. Sometimes I ignored sometimes I responded.
Sometimes he did masturbate and sometimes I had to do the same.

I have found myself being forced to do haram which I didn't like.....! I really hate it.

Every night, every single night he comes up with his sexual conversations and acts intimate.
He tells me how he wanna love me or in which way he wants to make love and to describe the way, he would get vulgar and vulgar and vulgar.

I feel like I loved the wrong person because, his deen, the very reason I loved him - he is not acting upon it. Now I feel myself just a puppet of him - who he uses to satisfy his sexual desires.

He is the only person for whom I have committed a lot of sins, I disobeyed Allah for a mortal who changes colour like cameleon, now that I cannot even be proud of myself nor even I consider myself pure.

I hate Him but I hate myself more.
I'm suffocating with him. It's not that he is mean with me, but just the way he presented himself before we got involved into relationship has nothing to do with the man he really is!

I am depressed, heartbroken.

I wonder and I only wonder -
"How could this be possible Ya Rabb?"
What should I do now?

Meeting him was like a sweet dream to me at the beginning but now I can only call it a nightmare.

In fact, he has short temper, he is over possessive about me and he doesn't care about my feelings.

I even discovered - he talks with other girls.
He ignores me and says it is nothing.

But I know it's too late. I resent him and I feel like he betrayed me making me think he was going to bring strong islamic values in my life.

What shall I do now ?
Is there any solution for this?
How will I forget him?

A voice inside from me spoke -
Who is the one to be blamed? Abdul Rahman or You?

Neither Abdul Rahman has changed nor he betrayed you. He was always the way he is.

He enlightened and infatuated you but when you have lost all kind of infatuation, you are seeing the man he really is.

He never betrayed you, he showed his best to attract you and now he feels confident, comfortable and relaxed since you're already under his control so it's natural for him to show what comes easiest to him.

Now wake up from your slumber.
Your life is in danger because right now, you are standing inside a door that is called "Haram Relationship"

You should cross it for the sake of Allah Subhan'ahu Wataa'la which is the best way for you to save yourself. You've to end up this haram relationship otherwise you are going to have a tough time.

The first thing a straight muslimah and a muslim man wouldn't do is to have long conversations with non mehram, and fear to go beyond that limit which become zinah.

Both of us overlooked the limits and exceed our boundaries. The thought didn't allow me to sleep whole night.

I called him for the last time - and told him,
There will be nothing between me and you and never ever try to contact me.

He said me - don't you be so brute!
Don't break my heart I really love you. If you leave me I will never ever be happy in my life.

But I said him - "If I have to go against my deen to make you happy, then be sad, be heartbroken - I don't care!"

After that - I never looked back.

He was my greatest lesson yet my biggest mistake.
He made me realize that we should be careful about people's image, when we are transparent we use to believe everyone is like us and this is not true.

And as a sister, I would recommend two things
to my sisters out there- my dears,
☆ Be careful before trusting what you see.
☆ Don't judge a person by his appearance, by his posts, by his dp or by his reminders.

Trust me, when you start a relationship in a haram way by the wrath of Allah and blessing of shaitan, how could you ever be happy?

Haram love and the lovers can never be the coolness of your eyes but a trail for you in this duniya and you have to deal with it with patience and strength and stay way from them.

Please don't seek pleasure in haram.
What is haram is haram!
Either pious people do it or impious.

Have a good life and take good
care of your heart.

The End