A lot of the time I seem happy and always it a good mood. Some one who can't be depressed or suicidal , and that how I like it. I don't tell people my problems.
My anxiety , that has be getting worst on the bus coming home from fireworks their were so many people a started having a panic attack it was bad and all I could do was stand their helplessly. When my mom asked if I was fine I told her I was fine when I was not.
My insecurities , my weight I have stuggled for so long with that and once I think I am okay with my weight some saids somthing and I start to hate they way I look. I am afraid of people leaving and hating. I never eant to push to hang out , but it hurts being alone and I to afraid if I ask to hang out too much the hate me so I try not to say anything.
Because when I do cry they tell me too get tough sink and to stop being so sensitive. Than I want to cry more because I am doing somthing wrong.
I have trouble making decisions because I fear being wrong and being yell at because it was not the right decision. Or I will say "I don't know " for being afraid telling them no will make thwm angry and hate my or the fear of being yelled at for the wring decision.
I hate everything about my elf even the fact that I hate myself. I feel likw a don't belong and like I never will.
I have attempted suicide 2 times and failed because I was just could not bring myself to do that to my neices or my mom or the friends I do have.
I feel so alone like i am drowning in loneliness, and self hate.
I also hate that my uncle see me as a problem that really should not exist.
Sometime it feels like no one will ever love me because I fat , ugly , over emotional.
I really want to be happy but it's really hard when everything points against you.
I am too afraid of rejection if I as for help or be seen as weak even know thats what I am. So I don't ask for help I try not to bother other people because I am afraid of being hated and alone.
