I have always been a disappointment. To my family, friends and myself.
I don't get enough high grades. I don't get to wash all the plates. I dont get to do all the laundry. I dont have all the new stuffs. I dont get to have my room sparkling clean or sweep the floor. I dont get perfect score.
Maybe I just wasnt enough.
"You still deserve the best the world could offer"
Thats what he told me when he hugged me the night I was so fed up with all the frustrations I have.
He was the only one who could see me cry.
I was able to convince people I feel enough.
But he knew how I feel empty everytime i dont get to be enough.
So it really broked me when he did what i never thoughthe'd do.
I was supposed to go to Canada to work as a librarian.
He was supposed to go with me so he could practice being an engineer.
It was supposed to be perfect.
The night he cheated on me, I wasnt able to say anything.
After what I saw.
I ran
And hid.
Like a coward I have always been.
I couldn't face it.
I didn't as hell expected it.
He was perfect.
We were meant to be perfect.
And do you know what hurts the most???
He didn't even explained himself to me. It was like what I saw explained it all.
But I still waited.
I never get to Canada.
He never get to Canada.
After a month I just heard he went to Australia.
So when I met him tonight at my highschool batch reunion, I pretended I didnt saw him first. I hid my nervousness very well.
I was a very good actress. But really, I was still shocked when he saw me.
He never told me he was a cousin of my classmate and I never really asked.
After a couple of hours, he got drunk, I guess. Of course there would be alcoholic drinks. We're adults afterall.
He came to me and cried.
"Let me explain. Hindi ko naman sinasadya."
The people around us were shocked. Imagine, we've been around for hours and that was his first words. Our first conversation. They didn't know we knew each other.
"Ayaw kitang makausap"
He just stand there and cried.
When I stood up, he hugged me.
"You still deserve the best the world could offer"
And thats when I snapped.
I pushed him aways and slapped him.
Dinuro ko siya.
"I waited for you. I. Fucking. Waited. For. You. But you never came."
I was already crying myself.
"I was meant to go after my dream but I choose to be a disappointment for you. For what we could have been."
"I waited for you"
"I thought you didnt want to see me"
"If you loved me? Really loved me? Then you would have known the difference of what I need than what I want."
"I-"
"I believed you, you know.
That between all those disappointments that I was? I still deserve the best.
"Until you proved me wrong
Until the most important person in my small world proved me wrong."
And I cried harder.
Harder than those nights I was alone.
And I guess he did too.
Because his eyes are more swollen than mine.
I couldnt bear it.
So I turned my back from him.
"Pakialagaan niyo na lang yan."
"Please."
When I was almost at the door, I turned to look at him for the last time.
"You proven it to me too you know. That I'll always be a disappointment"
And when I closed the door, I couldnt see him kneel down. But i could hear his anguished cry.
And I did too.
As I ran again.
And hid.
Like the disappointment I have always been.
