He felt the grass against his palms, the sun beating down on him. He stared out at the empty fields.
He had nothing to do. No where to be.
No one need him at the moment.
He wanted to sink into the ground and die. That's what was whirling around in his mind.
That might be a sign for you that this is just another sob story. He might be another story, one that just happens to be saddening.
Sure his family was dead, gone. But that was normal for a 91 year old man. He never married. Never had children. Never did anything worthy of anyone. Nothing worth noting or mentioning if anyone were to say his name in the future. At least that's what he thought.
He highly doubted that. No one would remember him.
You die twice. Once when your heart stops beating. Twice when someone says your name for the last time. One came before the other and he was still sitting on the grass, moving his fingers through the green blades.
He had told the helper at his the old folks home he stayed at, Willows Grove, that he wanted to die alone. He hadn't meant it the way the helper took it. He meant that he didn't want anyone near him when he died. He wanted peace. Not the machines beeping as he took his last breathe. He wanted to feel the earth like he did as a child, just quiet as he felt the sun and breathed the air. His brother would call him weird for just sitting outside, not doing anything. But he liked it. He liked doing nothing. He liked peace.
He liked being alone. In his own head.
So at first the helpers had left him in his room and then came back and talked to him like he was an idiot. Just some old guy that was crazy. But he called them back in and told them, "Let me go outside," they protested, saying that he has time left. He knew they were lying.
So at the break of dawn, he lifted his frail body out of the bed, removed the machines from him, and wrote a note for the helpers so they could collect him.
He walked out. He took deep breath. His legs slowly carried him past the swimming pool, tennis courts, and fence to the field that they left growing in its own, only mowing it's grass every six months. The grass was up to the middle of his calves.
He may have known that people were going to come for him in a few hours, but he also knew his heart wasn't going to last. It has been beating for ninety one and half years. His heart was tired, and it just wanted a rest. A final rest.
When some people die, they aren't at peace. They don't know that they are going to die. But for him. He knew he was going to die that day. He knew he was going to die. And unlike most people, he wasn't scared.
He was welcoming.
The sun was almost up. His heart was slowing. And he looked out at the field and a smile stretched across his old skin. "Take me Lord, take me." His arms gave out and he fell on his back. "Please send me to heaven and grace me with your angels. Please Lord. I'm ready."
So he closed his eyes.
And he waited.
And waited.
Beat
Beat
Beat
Beat
B-e-at
Be-at
B-e-a-t
B - E - A - T
And he saw light.
