The Things in Life: A Collection of short stories, poems, songs, and more

Feelings {Monologue}

Numb. That's the first word that comes to mind when I think of feelings. I've felt that way for a long time now. No, I don't choose to feel that way. No, it hasn't changed anything in my life. Yes, it is my coping mechanism. Yes, it has been my default. And I can't say that I can do much to change it. You would think that with how life is right now, that there would be no room to feel this way. Truth is, that's a lie. I've felt numb at my happiest moments. With the people who loved and cared about me most. I've felt it. I've felt for as long as the taunting has gone on. The degrading. The outcasting. The physical bullying. The humiliation. And the silent damage that's been caused for years now. But, I've just been quiet about it.

They say that you can't love others if you can't love yourself, but that's wrong. I've loved people who broke me. Cared for those who wouldn't glance at me twice once given the chance. And helped those who wouldn't bother. All while being told that I didn't matter, that I wasn't worth it, that I should quit asking for it if I didn't like it.

"If you don't like being called fat, lose weight", they say.

"Don't like being called ugly, get prettier", they say.

"Want guys to date you and other girls to like you, be more feminine", they say.

Meanwhile, I've starved myself cause it was my only option, beat my face and tried every style of clothing I could. Just to please them. To just have one night where I didn't cry myself at night worrying

"when will I be good enough?"

To understand what it feels like, you'd have to care enough. You'd have to be able to put yourself in that position. But if we're luckily enough to fit the social standard of even the slightest convenience of attraction or the term "Good enough", we don't want risk not being able to fit in. The harsh reality, but the strangest truth.

So yeah, sorry if you don't deem me worthy enough. Cause I don't either. I guess that's one thing you'd actually agree with me on.