Beyond Compare (h.e.s)

part four

"Porky Ashford," Harry says, when we're at the bar later that evening.

"I'll give it a five out of ten," Amber says. "Mine would be Sparky Pinkston."

"Meh," I reply. "That's not great."

She shrugs. "Six out of ten."

"So wait," Brayden clarifies. "You take your first pet and the name of the street you live on now? That's your porn name?" I nod. "How do you know this?"

I scoff. "Everyone knows this! It's like the first thing you learn in college."

"I'm sorry, I think the first thing I learned in college was biology," Brayden comments.

"Whatever. This is a science, too."

"No, it's not," Amber says, seriously. "It's an art." We high five.

"I still think Porky Ashford is an excellent porn name," Harry insists.

"Would you watch a porno with a guy named Porky in it?" Amber asks.

Harry shudders. "Would I watch a porno with a guy in it?"

"Ugh, can we not talk about my brother's sexual proclivities, please?" Summer asks before breaking into the signature Styles smirk. "No matter what they may be?"

Harry tries to look offended as Amber continues, "Maybe you would, Harry. I don't know what you're into."

"Well, just ask—" Harry stops short, and I realize what he was going to say: "Just ask Iz."

Trying to skip past his near-mistake as quickly as possible, I divert the conversation back. "Mine would be… Ringo Rossdale."

"Well, the alliteration is very porn star-y," Brayden says. "But the 'Ringo' might be confusing."

"Maybe that could be your schtick, Belle," Amber suggests. "Gender ambiguity. I mean, people thought Lady Gaga had a penis for a while. Same with Jamie Lee Curtis."

"I'm pretty sure that wouldn't work for porn, Amber, since they'd have to… you know, see her genitals?" Summer says.

"Genitals is such a terrible term," Brayden comments, shaking his head.

Harry nods in agreement. "Every time someone says it, I picture the smooth parts on Barbie and Ken dolls."

I crack up. "Boy, this conversation degenerated quickly."

"It was a conversation that started with us finding our porn names, Izzy. I don't know that it was very… um, generated to start with," Summer says.

"Mine would be Barker Franklin," Brayden announces.

I make a face. "That sounds more like a president than a porn star. Summer, what's yours? Porky..."

She shakes her head. "Porky was Harry's pet. I had a cat that hated him," she says, laughing. Harry shoots her a dirty look. "Mine would be..." Summer's eyes widen, and she cracks up. "Puss Johnson!"

"Ding ding ding!" Brayden announces. "We have a winner!"

"Wow, Sum, that's some imagination you had there," Harry says dryly. "You named your cat 'Puss'."