My Sister, Lilly

My Sister, Lilly

Ch. XX: Introduction

I could still remember that moment, that tiny sliver of what should have been another unimportant hour of my still undefined existence, when the doctors told my mother that my sister, Lilly Ann, was brain dead.

The delayed reaction that resulted was like a beautiful disaster. At first, shock and disbelief were etched onto her beautiful face. And then, hot, fat tears started to roll down her rounded cheeks. She broke down in loud, choked sobs. Each one tore at my heart a little more, and her normally sweet emerald eyes told me the entire story. She blamed me for all of this. I couldn’t blame her. I blamed myself, too.

Several hours before, Mom and Dad had thrown a ‘small’ family function for my seventeenth birthday. Of course, it didn’t only consist of family. I invited a few of my friends over from the football team and, as it turned out, they had spiked the punch. Yeah, real mature. I know. But I had had a little bit too much punch, knew full well that I was drunk, and climbed behind the wheel. Effectively, I ran over my five-year-old sister and killed her.

No matter how much I wanted to, I couldn’t take it back. I couldn’t make my sister’s brain function, if only to tell her how sorry that I was. Besides, sorry didn’t count for shit anyway. Actions spoke louder than words, after all. Mom knew how much I wanted to be an only child and she didn’t hesitate to throw that in my face. She screamed and cursed, but her words fell on deaf ears. I knew that I had been a horrible brother. I didn’t need her to remind me.

“I need to see her.” Mom announced suddenly. “I need to see my baby.” Her cheeks were flushed red and fat tears continued to streak down her swollen cheeks. I felt my stomach twist into a knot.

But the doctor shook her head, unsure if that was the best idea for the distraught woman. “Ma’am, I’m afraid that the… um, accident… left Lilly in an extremely debilitated state. I would rather you remember her as she was.”

Mom mewled softly, her eyes wide and wounded. And then, she turned on me. “This is all your fault! You killed my baby! You never loved her! You’re happy that she’s dead!”

Her words made me feel like I was swallowing tacks. “No! How could you even say that to me?”

“I don’t know. How could you climb behind the wheel drunk and murder your little sister?”

“I didn’t… I didn’t mean… it was an accident, I swear. I didn’t set out to kill her!” I exclaimed.

Dad narrowed his eyes at me. “Don’t make excuses, son. You have to face the music sometime.” A pause. “I can’t even think of a punishment that would fit this situation. But I’ll start by taking away the car.”

I swallowed hard as I reached into my pocket and pulled out my car keys. I handed them over without hesitation. Really, I had no use for them anymore. I couldn’t even look at a car without feeling sick to my stomach. Pulling my knees into my chest, looking much more like the five-year-old sister I had lost then the seventeen-year-old high school student that I was, I tried to drown out the sound of my mother’s sobs.

And then, unbidden, tears started to roll down my cheeks. If someone as innocent as Lilly could be taken from the world so soon, well, then I didn’t deserve to live. I would give anything to go back in time and redo that hour, that minute, that second. If Lilly was still here, then I could hold her in my arms and tell her how wonderful and beautiful she truly was. I could tell her how lucky I was to be her older brother.

Mom sniffled and rubbed at her eyes with her fist. Her wide, emerald eyes focused on me. “Maybe the best punishment… is no punishment at all.”

Dad turned to her, confusion in his eyes. “What do you mean?”

“Punishment implies that what he’s done can be forgiven. At the end of the punishment, it his transgression would be forgotten. What he’s done… it’s unforgivable. So let him wallow in his guilt.”

Dad frowned. He looked at me out of the corner of his eye. “Larissa, don’t you think that that’s a little… harsh?”

Mom pushed her tiny fists into his chest with as much force as she could muster. “No! I want him to hurt like… like…”

“Shh…” Dad took hold of Mom and held her to his chest. She broke down once more, and I had a feeling that this time, she had fallen down so deep she wouldn’t come back. “Shh… we’ll find a way, okay?”

“My b-baby…” Mom choked on her words. She pounded her little fists into his chest, thinking she was making a much bigger impact then she actually was.

And I was left all alone, intentionally excluded by my mother and father. I ran a hand through my shoulder-length black locks and made a fist, yanking at the thick strands as a way to vent my frustration. All I could think of was that one night when Lilly had come into my bedroom, her blanket in hand, and asked me to look underneath her bed to see if there were any monsters there. She couldn’t have been more than three at the time.

I had totally tuned her out, instead choosing to focus on the black and white rendition of Dracula on the screen. Fat, bubble tears had started to roll down her cheeks and she mumbled something about me hating her. I had only turned the television up louder. She had run back into her room, terrified, and had never asked me to look under her bed again. As it turned out, she didn’t have to worry about the monsters under her bed. I was the real monster.

I slid off of the chair and buried my hands deep into my pockets. “Where the hell do you think that you’re going, Brian?” I could hear my Dad ask.

I cast him a sad look and shrugged my shoulders. “Out. I just need a breath of fresh air.” Both narrowed their eyes at me, but I could barely feel it.

I rushed out of the hospital as fast as my feet would carry me and out into the hustle and bustle that was common in Chicago. At first, I didn’t really realize where my feet would take me. That was, until I recognized an alleyway that was colorfully decorated in profane graffiti. It had been in the news a lot recently. Apparently, there was a gunman who would rob unsuspecting folks and then blow their brains out. Wonderful.

Still a little drunk, I tried to remember how to get home from here. Unfortunately, my alcohol hazed mind insisted that the only way back to our house was to cut through the alley. I peered down the darkened area. I couldn’t see anyone, but that didn’t mean that there wasn’t someone there. I weighed my chances. Right now, all I really cared about was a nice, warm bed. And the sidewalk didn’t look all that inviting.

I steeled myself and started the trek down the alley. Not ten seconds later, I felt the brush of cold metal against my temple. “Well, well. It looks like a little birdie has lost his way…”