It was me all along ~ Jacklyn

Chapter 6

POV Jack

By the time the bell rings at the end of the day, I'm almost a little scared to go home. I know that Harvey had last period free so he's probably home cooking. I know I'm going to be walking in the door to a huge meal and I've got no way out of it. I've had nothing but water and milk free tea all day, and now I'm feeling it.

My head throbs and if I stand up too quickly lights pop behind my eyes. I'm mostly used to the perpetual dizziness. I can stand the hunger pains, I actually kind of like the way my stomach aches, but I hate the heart palpitations. I can't handle the way sometimes I'll be sitting still and it will just kind of hit me that I can feel my heart racing in my chest. It's strange because I feel like my heart beats so fast but it's not a pounding or a thumping, it feels more like it's fluttering in my chest.

Sometimes I lay awake at night wondering why my heart is rabbiting when I've been laying still for hours then I begin to wonder if maybe it's just going to stop. I don't necessarily think that would be a bad thing.  It isn't that I don't like my life, I know how lucky I am to be in school for something I love, to have a nice flat and enough money to get by, to have to friends who care about me so much and treat me so well. I like my life. I just don't like myself.

Sometimes I just hate myself so much that I don't think I deserve any of the things I have, sometimes I just hate myself so much that closing my eyes and thinking about my heart stuttering to a stop is oddly relaxing.

I make it home even with the dizziness but I have to sit on the stairs because I feel like I'm going to pass out and I know I have to gather my energy for the boys. I walk through the door to the flat with a huge grin on my face and calls out a bright sounding hello. I find Harvey in the kitchen, turning chicken in a pan, and the smell hits me like a brick wall. I'm so thankful that Harvey is the one cooking because he always liked being healthy if it were Mikey or Andy we would be eating something battered and greasy. 

It smells so good but even though my stomach cries for it my throat is already itching, dreading the food. I'm not sure when it happened but it doesn't take will power not to eat anymore, it takes will power to force food down my throat. My body has learned that it is just going to come back up later and my mind has learned to feel like shit about the calories and I literally just dread it.

I slide up behind Harvey and rest my chin on the boy's shoulder. Harvey hums a bit and rubs his cheek against mine, stirring some sort of sauce.  "Smells delicious, what are you making," I say.  "Curry chicken and veggies," Harvey replies. I silently thanks the stars there are no carbs. "Great," I say. "What time is Mikey and Fovvs home?" I ask. "Should be in a few," Harvey replies. "How did your fitting go?"  Harvey asks. I'm not sure why I blush when my mind flashes to Brook but thankfully Harvey is preoccupied with dinner. "It went really well. He looks great in everything. I don't have too many alterations," I say, folding myself up on one of the chairs at the table. 

"And what is the guy like, what did you say his name was again?" Harvey asks.  "Brooklyn but you can call him Brook," I say, and I really hope Harvey doesn't notice the way my voice is a bit softer around the name and I clear my throat. "He's nice," I add. Harvey turns around to face me and leans back against the counter. "Like nice, nice or I'll force myself to put up with him until the fashion show is over, nice?" he enquires and I laugh a little. "Like nice, nice," I say and Harvey's eyebrows raise a little.

I wonder when Harvey started noticing how anti-social I have become because the surprise on his face is brought on by the fact that I haven't shown anything more than indifference for anyone other than he, Mikey or Andy in a long time. I can tell Harvey wants to ask more but then the front door is swinging open and letting Andy and Mikey into the flat.