Everything that I type in here is what I have written down on the peice of paper that I am copying this from. I wrote all of this. These are my thoughts. Please respect them... >.> ....
Hei.. .-. So.. I have decided that I am going to do this diary type thingy..but it's not a diary..well.. It will be once I finish. =/ I hope I will be able to do one of these at least once a week. I want to be able to look back on whatever problems I had.
Okai. First day of mah diary. And of course... DEPRESSINGNESS!!!.. Brb..I gotta do math. T_T ..ugh fml
Okie. Done. UGH. Thank gawd the day is almost over. Today was 'OK' I guess, besides a few tears shed, but yeah. Ugh. Why does the world have to be so fucking cruel?It seems like no one care or notices anything! The other day, at study hall, I had out my razor and I started cutting, and I was crying. Every time I would glance over at @^%$!(%)&%..(I don't wanna say duh name..) , she had her eyes locked on her book, smiling. Pure joy was written all over her face. What the actual fuck?!?!?! This is the reason why I cut; People don't give a fuck about you. They don't care to ask what is wrong when you are crying. They don't dare notice the pain you are going through..the complete misery.
Ya know what? Fuck people. Fuck friends..what friends? Fuck life. I am done with this. I feel like I am on the edge of a cliff and people keep pushing me farther and farther. I am about to just jump. I can't do this anymore. I am done. Maybe when I'm gone, people won't have to look at me. They won't have to look at me and say, "Why in the fuck is she even here?"
I don't know. I don't know why I am here. I can't give you an explanation. Hopefully my suicide note will explain enough. I am sure that you will be happy to read it. I am excited to write it. It will be a marvelous piece. =) Who wouldn't want to read MY suicide note..?
This boy Adam..he is always saying shit to me. It hurts. His words hurt like hell. He calls me a worthless cunt and a bitch and a whore.. on a daily basis. I believe him. I just smile at him everytime he says something like that to me. I am those things. I always think in my mind, I know. I know. Thanks for reminding me.
Ya know?...Sometimes I just want to curl up in a nice, cold corner with my razor and cry my eyes out and die. Right there. Just fucking die.
With every cut, I go deeper and deeper and deeper. Eventually, I will go deep enough. I'll get there soon. In time.
Sometimes..well.. a lot..I think about death and how peaceful and painful it seems. Death is simply beautiful. I love the thought of it. It gives me a warm feeling. It will release me from my pain.
I know you are probably thinking ..why I am still alive and why I haven't just slit my own throat and killed myself..just to get it over with. I haven't done that yet, because I don't want to hurt my family, even though I have already disappointed them enough.
My sister told me last night that she just wanted to die, and that she was done with life. I told her that I would go with her. I want to go with her. I want her to kill herself..just so I can have an invitation to go to hell, too. I don't want to go to hell, but I can't do this anymore. I can't. I'm sorry.
I usually cry myself to sleep every fuckin' night. It fickin' pisses me off because no one ever fucking hears me screaming. I don't think they ever will..
I just want someone. I want someone so bad..just to hold me. No one will ever do that though. I know they won't.
I wish someone would come live in my life. I wish I could take the lace of the happiest person in the world. I used to be the happiest person in the world. Believe it or not. I used to not cut my wrists and my legs and my arms. I used to not swear. I used to not hate myself. But, hey, people change. I never believed anyone when they said that people change. I was just like.. "Psh! People don't change. They will never change." Yeah..I take that back.
