Should-Haves

Cyborg/Raven Friendship (One-shot)

She hadn’t meant for it to be this way; she wasn’t supposed to lose them.

But she did, and she couldn’t change a thing.

The spell should have worked. It should have saved them.

But it didn’t.

She should have focused more, should have studied the spell more thoroughly, should have-

No.

Dwelling over should-haves won’t mend what she’s destroyed. They’re gone, and it’s all her fault. Her carelessness cost them their lives. She’s a monster. She is reminded of that in every waking moment of her disastrous, miserable life. That morning wasn’t any different.

 She slips out of bed, and glances at her alarm clock: two in the morning. Fantastic. She hasn’t been able to get any sleep for the past four months. Not since the accident.

Shaking out the grogginess from her head, she stumbles through the halls and into the bathroom. She immediately turns on the freezing water in the sink and splashes her face.

 Maybe I can wash away the pain.

The girl immediately wipes that thought from her mind; she will never stop hurting inside. Not after what she did.

Turning the faucet off, she can’t help but glance in the mirror. What she sees makes her freeze. The bags under her eyes are prominent against her porcelain skin, and her cheekbones jut out. She can tell she lost a lot of weight in the past four months. She looks sick, ugly, like the monster she really is.

Look at this… atrocity. Look at me, the thing that murdered three of the brightest souls she’s ever seen. Look at me, Raven. No, not Raven. Raven would never hurt the ones she loves. Raven is a hero, a woman who saves people daily. What I am doesn’t deserve to exist. Demons don’t deserve to live. Yes, that’s what I am. Not Raven, not Rae, not even a Titan. I am a Demon.

She wants to cry, she really does. Crying would mean she had a sliver of humanity in her cold, isolated heart. She wills the tears to spill, but none do. Frustrated, Raven’s vision flashes red, her fist flying towards the mirror. Glass shatters, shooting in all directions. Dark blood streams down her fist, splattering on the bathroom floor. The sorceress doesn’t move to heal herself.

Something like me needs to suffer.

Raven holds up her hand, inspecting it. Even my blood looks evil. She doesn’t flinch as the door bursts open, revealing a frightened Cyborg.

“Rae? Raven! Girl, what did you do?” He rushes over to grab her bloody hand. “You can’t be doin’ this to yourself. What would they think if they saw you like this?” The half-robot is met with silence. “You have to stop beating yourself up.”

Finally, Raven’s monotonous voice speaks up, “Or what? You and I both know that this is all my fault. We-“ she falters, “We lost our family for Azar’s sake, all because of some stupid mistake I made. I honestly can’t understand how you don’t hate me.”

Cyborg looks down at the dark girl with sorrowful eyes, grabbing a first aid kit from the cabinet that was behind the now broken mirror. “Because it was exactly what you said it was: an accident. We all mess up sometimes.”

Raven’s violet eyes glisten with anger. Not at Cyborg, but at herself. “None of those mistakes were as tremendous and dire as mine. I killed my friends! That’s one hell of a mistake, if you ask me.” Dark tendrils of dark energy strike one of the light bulbs. Neither of the teens bother to acknowledge it.

Cyborg finishes wrapping gauze around Raven hand. “You tried your best. If they were still here with us, they wouldn’t hate you. I don’t hate you. You saved them from something far worse than death: Slade. If you didn’t do what you did, they would be tortured as we speak. Who knows what that asshole would have done to them if you let them get caught? You saw what happened to Terra.” He walks his companion to the common room, placing her on the couch. They sit in silence for a few minutes before Raven turns toward her brother-figure.

“Cyborg?”

“Yeah, Rae?”

“Does- “ she takes a deep breath, “Does it ever go away?”

Cyborg lays his robotic eye on her, trying to decipher the hidden meaning. “Does what go away?”

The half-demon runs her good hand through her tangled hair. “The hollow feeling, the feeling that I’ll never be able to live my life, the one that says that it’s all my fault.”

The older Titan pulls his friend into his arms. “I’m not gonna lie to you Rae, it never completely disappears. The feeling may dull, but it will always be there. You just have to hold your head high, and try to bear through it.”

Raven, taking solace in Cyborg’s chilling, metal embrace, doesn’t pull away. “But how? How do I recover from something like that?”

Cyborg places a kiss at the top of her head. “Well, the first thing we should do is let you rest for a few more hours, it’s almost six.” Six? Already? “You should also take a shower and get dressed. Then, we need to get some food in ya. How’s pizza sound? I mean, I know that it’s not exactly breakfast, but I think we both need some.”

Raven stiffens. She hasn’t eaten pizza since they died. She doesn’t think she’ll be able to eat at the same place where her teammates used to frequent. Maybe this will be good for me. They would want me to go and try to enjoy myself, right? She can imagine the trio trying to convince her to tag along. She then nods her head, as if trying to convince herself.

“Yeah, Cy. Pizza sounds good.”