vớ vẩn 3

23: Clean

It was not long after the others came back and announced that they were leaving that Hoseok decided to get up and leave the building. He wanted to shower but had spent the entire morning lying on the backseat. Moving required energy and he didn't have that these days. No, Hoseok knew that he was at the end of his rope now and that he was too tangled up to get free at this point. Going back to Seoul might just help him but he doubted it. Going back meant at least another three days on the road and that was too long for him. But right now he wasn't thinking about Seoul, or what would happen when they finally got back. He was just thinking about what happened next in terms of seconds rather than hours.

Hoseok didn't have his diary anymore. Shortly after it had been brought to light it had vanished and he hadn't found it since. He didn't know if it had been thrown away or if he had simply misplaced it. He had been in a rather terrible daze after the fight and he found that he couldn't really remember anything. Maybe he had thrown it away? It could have happened, he just didn't recall. Throwing away the bad shit? That was good he supposed but there were positive things in the diary too; things that he shouldn't have thrown away. After all it had likely been one of the others that had done it. Had they found Taehyung's notebook too? Had they checked that and read what he had read a few days ago? Probably not, but it would have been good if they had.

They would have seen just how fucked up the pair of them were.

Hoseok hadn't really been paying attention to anything but rather just standing under the stream of water. So when he heard the low scraping sound of the partition door being slid open he twisted to look over his shoulder and see Taehyung standing there.

"Hey, are you alright?" Hoseok asked as he watched Taehyung undressing. His lover nodded rather than reply, wrenching his tee off over his head as he did. It was a lie and they both knew it. "I'm not OK," he muttered as he turned back to stare at the wall in front of him. After a minute or so he felt Taehyung stepping into the cubicle and then heard the glass sliding shut again. Then his arms were snaking around his waist and Hoseok felt the familiar weight of his chin settling on his shoulder.

"Yoongi shouldn't have done that shit," Taehyung said, arms tightening around him as he did so that he could press his chest against his back.

"No he shouldn't have but I should have told you all. Maybe that's what I deserve for always fucking lying." Hoseok leaned back against him and sighed. "All this time I just had to say...no, no I'm not fine. I'm not fine but I kept lying and why?"

"'Cos your brain keeps making you," Taehyung replied, turning his face slightly as he did. Hoseok felt his breath on his skin, ruffling his damp hair. "Kinda like mine, always trying to get us both in trouble."

"Hmm," Hoseok closed his eyes and Taehyung pressed his lips against the jut of his clavicle under his skin. "Compulsive liars. That's us."

"It's hard to tell the truth," his lover said, lips brushing across his skin and breath as warm as the shower water. "When you've spent your whole life lying."

"Tae?" Hoseok turned his head to look at him, to study his profile. "How do you feel about going back to Seoul?"

"Truthfully, I think I would rather die than go back to Seoul," Taehyung said in the most softest voice. Hoseok saw the way his eyes shifted to watch the shower stream, the way they almost seemed to go distant and empty.

"Tae, don't say something like that," Hoseok said after what felt like an eternity of silence. He watched Taehyung raking his damp hair back off his brow with his one hand. His lover's fingers tangled in the short lengths. "You're scaring me."

"But it's true," Taehyung explained. "I'd rather be dead. There are two things right now that'd kill me: going back to Seoul and losing you." Hoseok might have had the shower water hitting his skin but he felt cold rather than warm. Freezing cold in fact.