"Ya want Mountain Deewwwww." Morris begged. "Go to sleep bruh." I said with the least amount of enthusiasm possible. It was 10:30 pm, and my client was back on that junkie shit again. Morris is a patient at FADN with an abnormal obsession with liquids. Whether he's playing in them, or drinking them, he's just happy to get his hands wet. Especially when he's spraying his unborn kids all over them. It was almost 12 o'clock midnight, the time where I supposed to be sneaking a few hours of sleep in at my job. When my clock struck 12, Morris was fast asleep. Probably dreaming about some more cartoon characters he could jack off to. 12:30 came. Then 12:45 came. Then eventually, 1pm. My lil bum ass finally started to feel a sense of sleepiness. As I rested my head on the arm of the Thrift store couch provided by FADN (Fake Ass Doctors N Nurses), I heard a knocking on the window in Morris's room. Shake my damn head I thought. What tf this nigga still doing up? "Morris!" I yelled as I stormed back toward his room. I opened his door and immediately closed it. His room was dark, but that didn't stop me from spotting the two burglars at his window. Turns out, these two dudes knew Morris was mentally unstable, and the planned to take full advantage. "Oh shit!" I thought. I didn't know what move to make first. I couldn't call the police because everybody would make fun of me for screaming "fuck 12" but proceeding to call them when in need. I couldn't call Albert (Client Security) because his face was probably stuck in his coworker, Sakanna's ass. Got it!! I knew exactly what to do. I would run in the room, grab Morris, and we both make a run for my car through the front door. The two dudes were at the back of the house of course. All they wanted was to get in and steal something to go sell for some crack like this dude I know. After gathering my thoughts, I turned back toward Morris's room. Upon entrance, I was shocked by what I had seen. This dumb mf Morris was unlocking the window to let them in! All because they had a bottle of Mountain Dew for him! "Morris No!" I sped to the window and clamped it down, slamming one of the robbers' hands. "AHH FUCK!" He yelled. Ahaa, won't be stealing shit tonight I thought. I grabbed Morris's jack off hand and we both rushed to the front door. I figured we'd have enough time as the two dudes were at the back, gasping at the condition of his hand. When I opened the front door, I quickly pressed down on the unlock button from my keychain. In the process of running to my car, I notice a half eaten Slim Jim in the middle of the street. Damn, I was hungry asf. I unlocked the door and rushed Morris inside. After that, I ran right back to the middle of the street and grabbed that Slim Jim. Damn it was good. My gf didn't cook before I came to work so this was the only thing I had eaten all day! Before getting in my car, I noticed the 2 dudes running toward my car. I forced the key into the ignition, put the car in drive, and began to speed off. "Aye nigga, that was my Slim Jim!" "Bring my shit Cuh!" "Fuck you nigga!" I turned around to scream out the window. "That hoe was good asf too." As soon as I turned back around to focus on the road, BOOM. My dumb ass crashed into a pole. I looked in my rear view and saw the two dudes running to the scene. As soon as they were within 3 feet, I exited the damaged car with the quickness. I spat a handful of chewed up slim Jim in one dude's eye an temporarily blinded him. At that, I swung as hard as I could an knocked him onto the canvas. The second guy swung at me and caught the tip of my head. I swung back and gave him a body blow (no homo). "Ahhh" He screamed like a lil bitch and scooped down to grab his stomach. At this point, he was low enough to be knocked out. That's exactly what I did. After handling the two dudes, Morris had managed to steal the bottle of Mountain Dew that had fell out of one guy's coat pocket. I looked at him and shook my head. I was done with this job, the car, and his nasty ass. I walked to the Kroger round the corner and took a lift home. The next morning, My gf accused me of cheating on her because I had a huge bump on my lip. I didn't think it was that big of a deal until I looked in the mirror. It looked like I had a cashew growing on the side of my mouth. Turns out, the nigga who Slim Jim I ate, had herpes. After finding out I had a disease, I ate a stick of dynamite and blew myself up, as well as my gf, and apartment building. I knew they were dead with me when I saw them yelling at me otw to heaven. "Damn Cuh Why u blow me up df." "Wassup mane, bottle rocket eating ass nigga mane. U was hungry wasn't it mane? Stupid ass nigga." "Fuck yall, fuck this story, I rushed through this shit an im sleepy asf. What df am I even writing, lmao df."
