white walls of the darkest place

p.1

the night is dark. my loud heartbeats are getting faster, leaving painful marks in my chest. my thoughts are rushing through my head. i have a billion questions about whats going on.

am i sad?

am i scared?

am i excited?

am i dying?

am i going to pass out?

why cant i sleep?

the unknown feeling surrounded me in the dark, slowly eating me alive not letting me relax and take a deep breath.

i reach for my phone, typing another text message to my boyfriend, "i love you, cant sleep..i am anxious again.." and a bunch of heart emojis.

left unseen. as always. a billion text messages before didn't really make any impact. i am still ignored.

that made my heart beat even faster. another portion of questions wrapped my body:

what did i do wrong?

why am i like this?

does he even love me?

how could he forget about me?

i close my eyes, trying to turn the exhausting process of thoughts off.

it is harder than it seems. i start counting backwards from ten to zero to distract myself and reduce my anxiety.

ten.

is there anyone watching me right now?

nine.

is someone going to kill me?

eight.

why is the clock on my wall so loud?

seven.

is tomorrow going to be better than today?

six.

or it is going to be the same?

five.

every day is the same, right?

four.

do i deserve happiness?

three.

what happens if i die?

two.

is anyone going to remember me?

one.

no one is going to notice...

zero...then, whats the point of me living?

reaching the last question and the last number on my scale, i stand up, grabbing a bottle of my antidepressants. the last question...the last number...it is all in my head now.

whats the point of me living? i grab a bunch of pills, putting them in my mouth, not swallowing them just yet. still processing the last question...the last number...

suddenly, my phone vibrates, echoing in my empty cold room. i see my brother's name on the bright screen and some simple words "how r u, sis?', that made spit a bunch pills back in its original place.

how am i?

i am so scared right now to even have a simple thought of staying alone. i am loved, and deep inside i know that. people care, and people will notice if i am not around. how do i dare to even consider a possibility of leaving this world?

how am i?

i am exhausted from myself and own thoughts, fears, flashbacks, anxiety. i am so tired from all of this that i thought it would be easier to finally end it the simple way, to finally be free.

i couldn't sleep that night. it felt like a million knifes were stabbing my heart, leaving a painful trap of sadness behind. some dark demon was sitting right on top of my bed, disgustingly laughing and throwing those knifes at me, at the same time whispering all these horrible questions of my worth.