Little did you know that I come online to check whether you messaged me or not. I guess we're both afraid of messaging each other because we don't want to annoy each other. You want to know why I left? Here's why:
On that day, my ex has gotten into a new relationship. I thought I didn't care when I first saw it, and I was even laughing. But then it hit me, how much it hurt, and I pushed everyone away. It hurt so much that I pushed the person who fucking loves me away. She messaged me on my birthday wishing me a happy birthday and we've been talking every week or so, and it's giving me a glimmer of hope for some fucking reason. I keep hoping that her relationship is a rebound and she'll come back to me because she seems like she still cares despite everything.
You want to know what else? I was very insecure and afraid. Afraid of what? I knew you and Danny were talking, and I was afraid you were going to catch feelings for him and hurt me, just like everyone hurts me in this world. In your message, you even said "I probably have feelings for him too". If I had been there, who is to say it wouldn't have happened then either? Maybe you think you have feelings for him to let go of me and cover the wounds I've inflicted. You know exactly how it feels to be replaced all the time by everyone.
Another reason why I left was because when you said someone else was better than me at a certain thing, it hurt so fucking bad. I know I talked about my ex a lot but I never said she was better than you. Hell, I never said anyone was better than you. Every time we talked, that thing you said would keep pounding in my head and it would never go away. I had forgiven you for it, but it still hurt so freaking much.
You thought I wasn't coming back eventually? I was going to message you again when I wasn't broken and so fucking attached to my ex, because you know what? Leaving you and hurting you like that is better than hurting you telling you that I freaking miss her, and getting into a relationship with you when I wasn't completely over her. When we haven't video chatted or even voice chatted enough, and I know you cannot help your anxiety, but I can't do it otherwise, Lola. I can't help it either. I couldn't handle that you were going to be gone for days or even weeks. I have separation anxiety and I was afraid you as well as I would move on in that period and not need each other. That's a scary thought.
I hope you never thought I was actually happy in the period I wasn't talking to you in. It's hell, everyday is hell. It hurts so fucking much to wake up every morning. My birthday wasn't anything special, because I felt so fucking lonely and annoyed with life. Every time we talked, I would remember my ex for some Goddamn reason. That's why I said I became unhappy every time we chatted. I wish I could help it and I wish I would move on already, but I can't. She changed my life. You're not the only one I've done this to either. There's this girl who liked me and she goes to the same university as me, and I left her recently because I was missing my ex and for a bigger reason that I'll get around to explaining it to you. But please believe me when I say it wasn't easy for me to leave you. I know how it feels, Lola. I had to though, because I didn't want to hurt you any further.
It's 5 AM and I'm writing this. This should show you how much I care about you because I should be asleep. I'm exhausted and upset at life. I hope Danny told you that I regularly check up on you, because I genuinely worry and care about you. When he tells me that you're fine, I feel better deep down.
Lola, I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I don't deserve you, because you're a much better person than I ever will be.
