The Thoughts of Insanity

The Anoncement

All I see is my shaky hands and Doctor Lily trying to help me calm down. "It's alright Mrs. Marr'e. You're okay." She kept repeating those words to me. I start to cancel her voice out and focus on my breathing. In for five seconds out for ten. It's was something my mother taught me right before she died. I slowly start to come out of my panic and start to be calm. I stabilize my breathing and I fully start to listen to what Lily was trying to say. At first I gave up because nothing seemed interesting but then I heard something about me leaving and I quickly joined back to her voice.

"Are you okay Elerise?" I just nodded, "well what I was saying is that you need to have a mandatory check up soon. You didn't hear this from me but I overheard that Dalene was thinking of releasing you in a couple of days. So if you want I could do the checkup now so you don't have to do it later. I know how you are on these but you need one to be released." She was very hesitant when saying these words. I could tell she didn't want to overdrive me, I need to start working more on that. I just stood there for a little bit thinking about what my choices are. I would love to leave this place, get out to explore the real world, though where would I go. I have nowhere to go, I don't know any of my other family and the only place I know is this hospital. Lily looked at me trying to find an answer. I need to come up with something fast.

"I'm ready to do it now, it's better to get it done and over with." I said. Lily looked at me in surprised. I guess she didn't hear that I can talk now.

"Oh my, you're talking, I guess that's a good sign that you're already getting better. Well okay then, I'll just do the normal check up. Can you sit on that table over there for me please." Lily did what she always did with the checkup. I did whatever she told me to do. She did the normal physical thing, or whatever you call it. She also checked for any mental problems I had. I told her the truth every question she asked me. I really wanted to get out of the hospital. I tried to stay focus on the checkup but all I could think about was the real world. I'm only thirteen, what am I supposed to do. She started to go faster, I guess she could she the panic in my eyes. Lily was always my favorite doctor, she always understood me and the other patients.

"Okay my dear, you are all done and finish. You are ready to go. Dalene might call you in her office to talk to you about leaving any minute, now that your checkup is done. You can go back to your room or wait around here, or do whatever what makes you comfortable." I smiled and nodded at her to give her a signal that I'm just going to go back to my room. I've done a lot of talking in one day and I'm probably going to have do it again with Delene. As I went back to my room, there was a note on my bed. Hey Elerise, please come to my office, there is something we need to talk about. Love, Delene. Was I ready for this, can I really leave everything behind. It'll be a long journey but I need to think positively and think I can.

I start to go over to the office with my head down. I didn't want anyone see my face. My hands start to shake while I knock on the metal/wooden door. Delene opened it up and motioned for me to sit down. Her chairs are really comfortable, I rather sleep on them more than my own bed. "Elerise, glad you're here. Well, I was thinking that after all you shouldn't be here and you should be somewhere that's meant for you. There's an adoption center somewhat close by here. It'd be a good transfer. I already talked to the manager of the place and they are excited to meet you. I've heard great reviews about the place. The only thing we are waiting for is the room they're making space for. You'll be the only one that will have your own room, but I thought you would enjoy not having to sleep in the same room with other kids. They might have it done by tomorrow morning, so that's the most likely time you will be going over there."

"Oh, ok. Should I pack tonight then?" I was taken back a little bit with all the information given to me. Somehow instead of being nervous, I was more relieved that I will at least have somewhere to go. I hope to make my parents proud of me one day. I started to actually smile for once in my life.

"It'd help if you do. If you want you can skip dinner to pack but you have to go to lunch. It'd not be marked down if you do skip. Though I expect you to eat more at lunch. Now, go back to doing your usually activities." I nodded and left the office with a smile on my face and my head up. For once in my life after my parents death, I'm actually happy. My goal was always to get out of the hospital and now it's actually going to happen. I don't expect much from the orphanage or what Delene called it, the adoption center. A place where a bunch of kids live, some mean, some shy, some nice, any type of kids really.

The idea of switching from living in a mental hospital with adults to living in "adoption center" with kids frightens me. What if they don't like me. What if they think I'm a freak. It truly scares me, at least where I am, no one judges me for who I am. I have no expectation for where I'm going. Inside I have somewhere to hide from the outside world which I envie to be. Outside, I have nowhere to hide from the people who look at me or talk behind my back. The actual thoughts of reality start to kick in, what will I become. My parents would probably not prove of me. I shake off the feeling I was having because I don't want Delene to change her mind.

I decided that I should probably do the school work of the day. Learning came easy to me. Usually the school work is from 3 to 4 hours long, since I get things done earlier, it only takes me about 1 to 2 hours. I'm always ahead in school, it's one of the good traits I have. I've heard from many people that my parents will really smart as well. I actually also love to do the school work, some people think that's weird.

I went through all the subjects I needed to, starting with the ones I enjoy most. I always enjoyed doing math, I was always good with numbers. It always got me to be calm while I do my math problems, they make me think. I also really enjoy english, more specifically writing. I take the time to research about philosophers for extra work, it gives me something to do and I enjoy their work. Science on the other hand, is one of my weakest areas. I still enjoy doing it, it just comes off hard for me. The other subjects that I do are just fillers for school. Art is one subject that is not taught but one I do for the respect of my mother. She always liked when I drew. I also just grew to the liking of art. Usually what I do for my art is things that I wish to visit or places that I have created.

After my work it's usually lunch time, but today, I finished extra early so I still have a few minutes before I actually have to eat. I decided that I'm going to lay on the floor because at this point, the floor is more comfortable than the bed. In reality people must think that mental hospitals are bad in a way that patients get restraints and that stuff but all they do is try to help people out. Usually for other patients, there are many opportunities for them for what they can do. For me, I'm different because I'm tectanly not a patient, I'm just a child who was borned into the istatunition. I grew up around these people, making me go a little bit insane, but who isn't. Kids like me here usually play in the day room at this time of day, but I'm not comfortable around people, every since I was little, I was very distant with people even with my parents. I've tried to grow out of that phase but I never did.

The loudish bell sound rings through my ears telling me it's lunch. I slowly get up and growl out of not wanting to move. I'm not lazy, I just don't want to get up and then barely eat something that I don't want. I hate eating to be honest, I just never did like it. If I could stop, I would but there's two things that stops me; one, if I don't eat I have to stay in the hospital, two, humans need to eat to survive. Other than that, I don't need to eat, only to survive.

I slowly move to the cafeteira to get what they're serving today, which I don't mind actually, I just can only eat in small amounts of food because that's all what my stomach can hold. I grab the plate and go sit in the darkest corner there was. I don't really like standing or sitting in the sun, it annoys me. At least in the dark, there's no annoyance going on. I slowly finish my plate of food to pass the time by.

Thoughts are weird, at one moment, they can be rude, or sad or happy, and that's all what you can think of, then the next, you just don't think of anything.