'Don't wake me up 'cause I'm in love with all that you are. You make me see the truth in things, I think that you are the remedy for everything it seems that you are, the truth itself 'cause nothing else can take me so far. My afternoon dream when the world is speeding, I am still sleeping in my blue dream and I know the meaning for all the seasons... you are the meaning, my love. Don't wake me up 'cause I'm in love with all that you are. My afternoon dream when the world is sleeping, I am still thinking of my blue dream. It's, bliss.'
In a dream where I can see you with my own two rheumy eyes, hold you in my arms, gently kiss you on your forehead, and have your tiny hand grasp my finger. But in reality, the big bad bear wants to take you away from me. Mama bear. See, she thinks you'll bring evil into my life which will bring it into hers. She wants you dead before you can grow. Before you can grow a heart to love me back.
My innocent blue dream.
"I am so disappointed in you." Mama bear wanted answers that I couldn't verbally give her. I had so much to say but I just couldn't form words to put into sentences, so I just sat there. Mama stared at me with those dreadful brown eyes of hers while I held my head down in shame. Like I'm the one who has committed such a crime. For a second, I drift off to my blue dream where you and I share giggles, and do finger paintings for the refrigerator and for our memories. Memories is something your Dad loved making. Even when I was being a party pooper, he always found a way to make something happen. That's one of the endless things I wish you could experience.
"I have forbidden you to perform this sin and many more, but you didn't listen. Mama bear knows best, yet you do as you please." I feel like a princess trapped in a tower with no way out and you as my conscious. What she doesn't know is that I am not like her. She believes that I shall live the life she did. Alone and penniless with little dwarfs running around consuming all the nourishment that's left.
My whole view of Mama changed after that incident. Never will I ever believe she accepts me for who I am and who I am becoming like she once said. It's as if she lied to me all this time. Such a sin, right?
I wait for hours after school to finally rest in bed. Time flew by and my body eventually sunk into the sheets. I felt as if I wear floating in the middle of a blue sea without the slightest effort. The water in my ears blocked out any noise apart from my blue dream. Now all I hear are your cries and laughs. Nothing can replace this kind of warmth. You make me whole. You brought back the happiness that was taken away from me when I was eleven. But this happiness is a different kind of happiness. The kind of happiness you only get once in a lifetime but it lasts forever plus more. I float coast to coast, following the thumps of your feet barely learning to walk. I come to a dead end... because you're all around me, my blue dream. I never want to wake up.
Nevertheless, I awake to my alarm snapping me out of my blue dream. I'll return as soon as possible. Knowing you won't be apart of my morning routine kills me inside. You won't be apart of anything once Mama bear gets what she wants. It's never what I want. I don't know if you can hear what goes on in my brain, I doubt you can, but I usually sing a tune in my head while I get ready. This morning, I'm singing Promises by Jhene Aiko. I hope you like it.
Swear that I can still feel you here
I just can't believe you're not here
I've been needing you
All I dream is you
Don't think I can make it
I don't think I can make it
But then I hear you say that
I bet not do nothing crazy
Mommy really needs you
And I would never leave you
'Cause I am in the stars
And everywhere you are
And every single little moment
Every single bit of sunshine just
Know that I am right by your side
Know that you are right by my side
Your Dad and I tried to save you today. Mama bear wasn't having it. She made your existence seem like a curse. You are no curse. I want you to know that. The hate she has for us is still there. I thought it would wash away overnight like the jellyfish did in my blue dream. Now I feel even more worthless. She shakes her head and dismisses us. I wanted to cry but I held myself together waiting to visit my blue dream. I miss you.
After next week, you will slowly decay inside of me. I hope you'll survive so we can live a fairy tale, but I know that won't happen. I smile throughout the day with no reasoning. I can feel you smiling back in my heart.
Hot showers and more of my blue dreams week after week. Even after your death, I will meet you in my blue dreams.
