400 Days After Fina

Day 403

400 Days After Fina by JellOfAllTrades
Chapter 4

I put my shades on as soon as I got out of the front door. My keys are heavy in my pants pocket as if it's disappointed I haven't been driving much since I got here so I take it out and open my car. It will be more convenient for me anyways.

As I start the engine, I wonder about buying candles at the market. Would Fina appreciate candles on her grave? Or are flowers enough?

"You know I would appreciate anything you get for me," her disembodied voice echoes in my head.

Gods, I'm going insane.

I drive to the market to pick up the flower arrangement I ordered for Fina yesterday and stopped at a nearby shop to get some candles. They even offered me matches, but I remember I still have a couple of lighters in my front compartment.

After completing my purchase, I loaded the flowers on the passenger seat and made my way to Fina's final resting place.

As usual, the cemetery is devoid of human life when I arrived which is a relief because if I would keep on talking to Fina's hallucination, at least no one would hear me. Except maybe if dead people can hear, they would pity me for reliving Fina's ghost almost every day.

I get a lighter from my compartment and check if it's still working. The yellow lighter is small and has the roll gear switch to fire it up but the gear is already rusty which made it hard to fire up. I should probably throw it out later when I get home. The other lighter is color red and has an automatic switch. Unlike the yellow one, it's still working so I stuff it in my pocket and pick up the candles and the flower arrangement and then closed the door.

As I walk to Fina's grave, I am greatly aware of the red lighter in my pocket. It's been more than a year but I remember that it was from my ex Mitch who left for the States a few weeks before my family had the vacation in Calauag. I still remember her long red fingernails digging on my arms and the way she moaned my name as she came on top of me.

Of all my exes, Mitch was the wildest one. She likes to role play and wear costumes and when we're finally in bed, sometimes it feels like I'm wrestling with her. She's so unpredictable that I don't know if I should dominate her or bow down to her. But because I'm bigger than her and I'm more dominant, I'm able to tame her down. And the best thing about her, she's totally fine about us having no strings attached. She'll call me when she wants to have fun and I'll call her when there's no good pick at the bar or club. We've been flings for more than a year until she left the country.

If there was something I didn't like about her, it's that she smoked a lot. I'll always find her dragging on a cigarette in some high-end bar or club, wearing some sort of figure-hugging piece of clothing that is either red, black, gray, or a combination of those. Because of her appearance, she's almost always surrounded by guys trying to hit on her. Fortunately for me, when I arrive, she always calls me her girlfriend and unfortunately for me, has gotten me in a few fights before.

I stop in front of Fina's cross and wonder about what she would have been like in bed. I wonder if she's ticklish. She's probably really shy. But she's pretty confident about herself so maybe she's comfortable with her own body. Then again, she hid her illness from me for weeks so maybe she would have been embarrassed at me.

Kneeling in front of her cross, I move the bouquet of sunflowers and roses from a few days ago to the side and put the fresh flowers in its place. Next, I lit a couple of candles and stuck it in front of the flowers.

At this time, I should probably pray for her soul. But I haven't prayed since that night in the hospital. And I didn't get my wish. Fina still died. What's the point?