Cold Grey Light of Dawn

Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Fourteen

Past, a few years later...

Matthew sighed looking down at his arms. They were covered in dozens of small cuts in different stages of healing. He wasn't sure why he started cutting, but he couldn't stop. Each cut was for a soul he had to help, a soul the world failed. He knew if he cut deep enough it could kill him.

The Reaper thought about doing it more than once, but had always backed out. Every soul he had helped that had committed suicide instantly regretted it. They had found a reason to live in death. He didn't want to be like that, he didn't want to make the same mistake.

"Birdie?"

Matthew panicked hearing Jack's voice. He quickly pushed his sleeves back down, but he'd already seen. The white haired spirit grabbed his wrist and the blond hissed in pain. The winter spirit pushed up his sleeves seeing cuts. He immediately pulled him into a tight hug and wouldn't let him go.

"Please don't hurt yourself." Jack said quietly. He sounded disappointed. Matthew didn't say anything and didn't move. "Please."

"I'm sorry." The Reaper said holding back tears. He never wanted anyone to know or find out. He was embarrassed by it. He didn't want to disappoint his friend. "Je suis vraiment désolé."

"Why are you hurting yourself?" The winter spirit asked pulling back looking into his eyes. Matthew wouldn't meet them and kept his downcast. "Is their anything I can do?"

"No." The Canadian shook his head tears finally spilling over. "I don't know." Jack pulled him into a hug again and he cried into his shoulder. "I don't want to do it. I started and I can't stop."

"You can stop." The white haired man said confidently. He shook his head. "I know you can, Birdie."

"How?" Matthew asked quietly. It had been a year or two since he started, but it had become a habit.

"Well." Jack started. "How about every time you want to cut yourself, you'd have to cut me too? Every single cut you do on yourself is one on me."

"I can't hurt you." The Reaper mumbled.

"Then you can't hurt yourself." The winter spirit said. Matthew shook his head. "You're my best friend, Mattie. I can't let you hurt yourself."

-❄️" Things seem more when you're little. They seem bigger, and distances seem farther."❄️-

Past, one year later...

The Reaper sighed shakily. He slid down the alley wall and cocooned himself in his wings. He didn't know what to do anymore. The world's population was growing which meant there were more deaths. It was getting harder and harder for him to keep up.

Death said that he'd be able to grow with the population, but he didn't want to keep up. The man seemed to realize it was probably a matter of time before he'd be needing a new reaper. Matthew had been the longest surviving reaper by far, but he knew it wouldn't last forever.

Jack had been the only thing that had kept him going. After the winter spirit found him cutting the first time Matthew tried to stop. He wasn't able to right away, but the winter spirit had been patient and encouraging. He had relapsed more than once, but Jack had been there to stop him and help patch him up. He reminded him of what he had said before.

Matthew had realized his feelings for the winter spirit had shifted. It took him a while to actually come to terms with them. His relationship with Pitch had been an agreement. He never really loved him, but Jack was different. He wanted to tell him, but he was terrified that the white haired spirit would be angry with him. He knew most people didn't approve of two people of the same gender dating. He didn't want to risk their friendship.

The Canadian pulled his dagger out and looked at it for a moment. He felt tears running down his face. He whimpered and hugged his knees to his chest still holding the knife. He was shaking, but it wasn't because of the cold.

Suddenly, there was a hand gently pushing one wing aside. He sighed as he felt the hand carefully untangle his fingers from his knife taking it from him. He looked up seeing Jack who was crouched down in front of him looking at him with concern. Matthew immediately looked down and away.

"Did you?" The winter spirit asked and he shook his head. He sighed in relief. "Are you hurt anywhere?"

"No, I'm fine." The Reaper said quietly still not looking at him. Jack reached out and brushed his hood down cupping his jaw and making him look at him.

"Birdie. You can't keep doing this." The winter spirit said shaking his head.

"I know." Matthew sighed. "I know." He bit his lip. "I don't want to do this anymore. I can't, Jack."

"You can, I know you can." Jack said giving him a reassuring smile. "You're so strong, Matthew."

"I don't want to. I don't want to die either, but I just can't keep living like this." The Reaper said wiping his tears away. "I just want to stop. I don't want to do anything anymore."

"Please keep going." Jack said. Matthew looked up at him. He could see Frozen tears in his eyes too. "I love you, I don't want to lose you." The blond looked at him with confusion in his eyes. The winter spirit bit his lip and looked down. "I know it's not the best time or circumstances, but please don't be mad at me."

"You love me?" The Reaper asked not really believing it.

"Yes. I know it's not normal for a man to love another, but I can't help it. I love you." The winter spirit said nervously. Matthew smiled and pulled him into a hug wrapping his wings around both of them. "I'm sorry. I understand if you don't love me back."

"No, I love you too." The Reaper confessed burying his face in the crook of Jack's neck. "I was scared to tell you. I didn't want you to hate me."

"I don't think I could ever hate you." The winter spirit smiled gently brushing some hair out of Matthew's eyes as he pulled back. "You're the first and only person that talks to me and didn't attack me. You're kind and gentle despite what others say. I honestly don't know where I would be if I hadn't met you."

"You're the only reason I keep going." The Reaper said meeting is eyes. "I don't have a reason to live without you."

"Please promise me that you won't ever, no matter what, try to take your own life." Jack said taking his hands in his. The Canadian bit his lip looking down. "I just want to know that if anything bad happens between us you'll still be okay."

"I promise." Matthew sighed with a small smile. The winter spirit smiled in relief. "I don't think I'd be okay without you, but I won't do that."

"Thank you, Birdie." Jack smiled brightly. He reached out and carefully cupped his jaw. The Reaper hummed happily leaning into his touch wanting more. He brushed his thumb lightly over his lips. "Can I?"

"Yes." Matthew said and the winter spirit leaned in. He quickly closed the distance between them. Jack wasn't really sure what he was doing so the blond took the lead. They only broke apart for breath. "I love you."

"I love you too, Mattie." The white haired spirit smiled kissing his forehead. "Can I stay here with you tonight?"

"Of course." The Canadian smiled and Jack carefully settled next to him. He gingerly put an arm around his waist and the Reaper leaned into his side.

Jack smiled as Matthew rested his head on his shoulder and wrapped his wings around them. He rested his head on top of his new partner's. It wasn't long before he heard him snoring quietly. He smiled and pressed another kiss into his hair before closing his eyes as well.