I'm looking out the widow again, tears streaming down....remembering (yes from a TV show that showed one of the last convos between me and my ex). Still I read what he wrote, I'm not the only one remembering. It kills me. The pain I brought is still there, yet it means something right (I wasn't nothing to him). I wanted to comment on it, but no words I could say could ever be good enough. Why do I still cry, its been months. Guess you could say it's a lot of things mixed together. Silly me, crying doesn't help, but no actions I can think of will change certain things beyond my control (besides time travel). I been told I have a bright future, thing is I don't know if I want one.
See I'm a Jehovah's witness, we believe soon God will turn this world into a paradise, getting rid of Satan who is its current ruler. So I don't see the point of trying now, this life will all be gone soon any accomplishments lost (all for a perfect happy world though). Only reason I see for living now is if you enjoy something...someone. The guilt, the night terrors, the loneliness, it can't change. I don't want to live, but I can't hurt others by leaving them behind (already caused enough pain).
I'm trying....I'm changing my actions, but my heart my head it's still broken. I don't really get how me crying over the only guy I ever loved got me on this train of thought, but I'm just ranting now.
Sometimes this home feels like a prison other times a refuge. Though I don't know whats worse: the fighting, the moving out threats, or the dead silence. My parents stay for me, a burden I will always bare. I want to go out, but where can I go. No transportation, no friends here, no reason. The loneliness haunts me the most, it always has. Growing up alone in this house: homeschooling myself for being so sick, not being allowed to go past our driveway until 16 (street 17), being the source of communication through my parents, and for awhile losing only person that I knew cared (only one who was speak to me).
I thought it would charge by now, someone would come crack this box I'm spent my life in and hold me tight. Maybe I screwed up my only change, maybe us wasn't a good thing. Funny how you can love someone and dislike them at the same time. To want to be held, but want to run (for them and yourself). Mistakes don't go away if someone stills hurts. Scary how going with a chance to escape and letting someone who wanted to hold me hold me would be the worst decisions I could make. It was never love, but loneliness and escaping this house. Hate giving excuses, their never good enough to make up for the decision. I know the one person I want to read this won't (wouldn't change the pain anyway).
Be positive, happy about the little things. Making one person smile a day can be important enough to keep trying. I don't want to be a curse to others, a thing to pity or be sad over. I need to believe I'm not disliked by everyone..I'm not a bother they talk to to just be nice. Find a good way out of this house, someone who will invite me anywhere. 19 years nothing has changed, I'm a outcast on both sides of this world. I don't blame anyone but me, should I? My logic, I hate being around me, how can I blame them for not wanting to be with me either. Is that right, why couldn't God leave me a detailed life manual. If I'm asking why questions already, why can't this guy leave my head. We weren't even compatible. Great back to ranting lol. I'm actually laughing at how stupid, long, and whiney this whole thing sounds. Also know no one, unless they know me personally, would have any interest in reading this. Hey least I'm not crying anymore, sure it will change in a day, but well one day at a time right. Lastly, keep going!
YOU ARE READING
life
Non-FictionI don't know what this is, it's me, and when I find out who I am I'll let you know.
