It's a Long Way Down

1.

"Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend, somewhere along in the bitterness. And I would've stayed up with you all night, had I known how to save a life"
- The Fray, How To Save A Life.
-
I pause my music, put my phone in my pocket, and follow Ashton out the plane door.
"Go ahead, play your music as loud as you want." Michael's voice says in my head.
I put my headphones back in and turn up the volume.
Ashton turns around. "God, Soph. Turn down your music, I can hear it from here and you haven't been listening to me lately."
I lower it two notches.
"Seriously, take those out, talk, be involved." Ashton huffs.
I take off my headphones.
"You know what Ash? It's just not the same. I can't just talk or just listen to music or just be involved. Because every time I do, something reminds me of him, and I can't focus and I can't do anything and I can't concentrate and you should know this because you cared. You loved him, Ashton. You loved him just as much as anyone else did. He was your best friend, and he's gone now, and you don't seem to care."
Ashton looks down.
"Sophia... I miss him so much more than you think I do. And it hurts like fucking hell. And if you could stop bringing him up, please.."
"So you're just going to forget about him?"
"No, that's not what I meant!"
"That's what you said, and I think that's what you're trying to do!"
"Soph, please."
Calum nudges my arm with his elbow and I rest my head on his chest. "It's okay." He whispers to me.
"I miss him so much." I whimper.
"I know, me too." Calum gives me a small hug. "Stay strong for him. Pay attention to Ashton, he's right."
My brother pushes back his hair and walks forward, leading the rest of us out of the airport.
The sights of Sydney get old after you've gotten off the plane there about 30 times in the past two months.
We get in the car and drive home.
I send a text to my closest friends: Rebekah, Chloe, and Kamryn, letting them know that I'm home. After a minute, I get a text from another friend.
How are you doing without him?
I start typing.
Okay I guess
Sadie sends a message back.
I can help you if you want
How can she help?
Sure. You have my address ryt?
She texts back quickly, and I begin to wonder if she even puts her phone down.
Yeah. I'll be there at 5:30
I turn off my phone and look out the window.
"I'm never going to not wear my seatbelt again after that one accident a while ago." Michael's voice says. I sigh and look at Luke's unbuckled seatbelt, reaching over and buckling it in.
He looks at me and shrugs.
If everyone's just going to look at me and sigh and shrug and ask if I'm okay and wonder if I'm insane I'm going to actually go insane.
I'm pretty sure I'm not insane for just hearing things Michael is trying to tell me.
I decide what I'm going to tell Sadie about. She's young, but smart and sassy and pretty and sweet and understanding and also what Michael would call 'punk rock' for her music taste and style.
My eyes water just thinking about him.
I try to drown out his voice with my music, but some of the songs remind me of him because we would sing them together or he would constantly have them on repeat.
Then I remember when he was happy, and when he would be smiling at me and laughing all the time and the time when he was young and I tickled him and he tickled me so I fell on top of him and he rolled us over so his face was over mine, and his hair was all falling in his eyes, and how he smiled and his eyes were sparkling; his arms under my back, and we just laughed for a long time.
"I should've kissed you that night." Michael's echoing voice chuckles in my mind.
I look up at the clock on the dash and then look out the window. A tear runs down my cheek. "You should have." I whisper. Ashton looks at me sadly before continuing through an intersection. He thinks I'm going crazy.
Luke looks at me, and puts his hand on top of mine reassuringly. "It's okay, I get it." He says. "I can hear him too. And he told me he likes that you wear some of his shirts sometimes because he still wants to touch you even though he can't." Luke's eyes are glossy with tears threatening to spill.
"Oh, Luke..."
He gives me a hug.
"But why do you wear them?" Michael's voice asks.
"Answer everything he asks. Out loud." Luke whispers.
"They smell like you." I breathe.
"I miss your smell, I can't smell you, and it sounds dumb but I wish I could wear your clothes so I could smell you."
I choke on a sob and put my head in my hands.
Maybe Ashton's right and Luke just is making stuff up.
Maybe I am insane.