This Is Me

The Start

This is my documentary on me. My name is Joseph, I have been married for almost two years, it would be two years at 11/11. Im not going to be gramerphobic because im not writing to people im writing for me. for the past 2 years i have been fucking up my life because i dont want to do anything. and because of it i am going to loss my wife the one person i genuinely care about in the world. i regret not doing anything but then again i have always regretted it. i regret not going into the military i regret not keeping the one job that actually payed me a salary that could have keeped me and my wife happy. i regret making her cry all the time. i regret not listening to her when she was giving me advice i regret not putting my words into actions. i know its late and i know i will loss her. but i can let that end me i need to show that i can be everything i once said i could be. i need her with me. so why cant i get anything done why do i struggle so much trying to be with her i know she is the right one. i know that she is the woman i want to carry my kids. i know that she is the one. but why is it so difficult to prove that. why do i keep fucking it up in every way. and im not just saying that i cant keep up with school i cant keep up with my workouts i cant find anything that i want to do to keep us together. it was only today that did i relies that i cant want a job i need it it doesn't matter if im happy being there as long as i prove my worth to them and to me. that doesn't mean that i can just work for money it means that i have to excel at my job what ever it may be and i need to be so good at it that i cant be let go. i am devastated right now and i desperately need warmth. but i cant because i want her to trust me and to see me for who i will become. because right now i don't have her. and i know its to late to have her back. i love her i really do and i will die without her with me not physically but mentally. i have been an ass with her and i dint deserve her. she defiantly does not deserve me with how i have treated her. I'm sorry my love i really am. but i know that my actions have spoken to you. i know you are done. i know this is the last time you will ever cry for me. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im so so so sorry.