GIRL-WHO-HUNTS-MONSTERS DEFEATS BASILISK, DUELS GILDEROY LOCKHART!
By Saffron Scrivener
Once again, Hermione Weasley, the infamous girl who defeated You-Know-Who last year and stole the Philosopher's Stone from a series of deadly traps created by Albus Dumbledore himself has faced terrible peril and emerged victorious! I sat down with Gilderoy Lockhart (Monster Hunter Extraordinaire) to discuss this.
SS: Mr Lockhart, rumor has it that your tenure as a Hogwarts Professor was most exciting.
GL(MHE): Oh yes, indeed it was! I had thought of retiring to a nice quiet teaching position, but it was not to be. You see, a most cunning trap had been set by Voldemort himself! Oh, please, do not flinch so, but I will refrain from using the name to spare the sensitive readers in your audience.
SS: Such magnanimity!
GL(MHE): But of course! As I was saying, a cunning device was employed by the Dark Lord to ensnare an innocent student, and using this device, a basilisk was released in the school! However, I, Gilderoy Lockhart (Monster Hunter Extraordinaire) was on the case! This time however, I was outmaneuvered. The Weasley Clan, led by the cunning (and charming) Hermione tracked down the source of the problem. For a time, they thought me in League with the Dark Lord!
SS: Ha! Can you even imagine?
GL(MHE): Pure folly of course! But, I, Gilderoy Lockhart (Monster Hunter Extraordinaire), was no match for Miss Weasley. She is truly one of the most terrifying and powerful witches of the age! It was she who took me down in an epic duel, the details of which are in my forthcoming novel, Banishing the Basilisk. However, the combined might of the Dark Lord and the Basilisk were too much for Miss Weasley, and she was forced to come to me for aide. Together, along with her siblings, we took down the basilisk and the Dark Lord, freeing the fair maiden, who incidentally has also become a Weasley!
More on page 3. For related details, see "How to Slay Dark Creatures and still look like a thousand galleons!" on page 5. For the current whereabouts of Gilderoy Lockhart (Monster Hunter Extraordinaire) see "El Chupacabra: the Goat Sucking Menace of Nicaragua" on page 7. On page eight, see "Puma, real or imaginary?"
Quirrel set down the paper and flinched.
"Well, what does it say, fool? Why did our minion fail?"
"Well, master, do you remember how I said I wasn't very good at memory charms...."
"Idiot! If only I had some of my minions in Azkaban! Hand me the classifieds, perhaps I can find more competent help there! No, I mean hold them up where I can see them. Higher, you moron!"
/\/\/\/\/\/\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
"You get back here!" Harry crashed down the stairs, his face as red as his hair as he pelted after Ron. "Give it back Ron!"
"Shove off, I got it now!" Ron shouted as he ran around the table
"Percy gave it to ME!"
"You weren't using it!"
"I was going to right after-" Harry tripped over one of the twins latest contraptions and went flying, crashing into a cabinet and sending the vase on it flying through the air. Harry and Ron both watched in horror as the vase spun twice, the crashed onto the floor and shattered into a million pieces.
"What's going on in here?" Molly yelled, stomping in from the garden and glaring at her two youngest sons.
Both Harry and Ron pointed at the other. "He started it!"
"Ron took my astrolabe!"
"It's not his, it's Percy's! He said we could borrow it for our homework!"
YOU ARE READING
Like a Red Headed Stepchild
FanfictionHarry Potter was born with red hair, but the Dursley's always treated him like the proverbial red-headed stepchild. Once he enters the wizarding world however, everyone assumes he's just another Weasley. To Harry's surprise, the Weasleys don't seem...
