Just Pretend

Chapter 5

 Arthit hadn't even realized he'd spaced off until something cold was pressed against his cheek, pulling him out of his thoughts and into reality. He glared up at the person holding out the offending glass before taking it with a muttered thanks. Knot sat beside him on the bench and they sipped on their lemonade in silence until Knot couldn't take it anymore. Arthit was the most emotionally constipated person on the planet, of course he would need some prompting to start talking about what was bothering him.

"So," Knot said carefully. "Are you going to tell me what's going on?"

Arthit sighed, setting his cup to the side and clasping his hands in his lap. "If I tell you, promise you won't laugh at me."

"I solemnly swear," Knot said, extending three fingers to imitate American Boy Scouts.

Arthit took a deep breath, preparing himself before launching into the story. Knot listened patiently for several minutes while Arthit explained everything that had happened in the last week. How he'd been forced out of the closet by Kongpob, albeit probably unknowingly, his date with Kongpob, and the feelings he'd begun having for the junior.

"I don't know, Knot. I think maybe I've liked him from the beginning? I'm so confused, and if this is all just a temporary thing for him, and eventually he'll get bored and drop the whole thing to settle down with some girl, wouldn't it be better to end it now?"

Knot sighed, setting his glass on the ground before turning to Arthit. "Do you remember how we used to tease you about Kongpob? We used to call him your husband, and make fun of you for always treating him differently than everyone else."

Arthit nodded. "I remember. It's because that stubborn asshole said he would make me his wife in front of the entire faculty."

"No." Knot shook his head. "If he had just said that and left you alone we never would have made fun of it. We teased you because he kept coming back. He'd seek you out whenever you were around. It was obvious then he saw you as more than a mentor or a friend. He took a special interest in you, kind of like you did with him."

"I only did because he was so stubborn! I had to get him to understand why we did the things we did."

"Why?" Knot asked. "There were plenty of freshmen who disobeyed us and didn't believe in the system. There are in every year. Why did you need to make Kongpob understand?"

Arthit was silent. Why did he need to make Kongpob understand? It wasn't like much would have changed if he hadn't. Kongpob would have still gotten his gear, reluctantly became his junior, and never had anything to do with the hazing, or Arthit, again. Life would have gone on. Except, when Arthit thought back to his last 2 years of university and tried to imagine it any other way, he felt a small pang in his chest. The idea of Kongpob ignoring him after the hazing activities was...unsettling. Arthit couldn't describe the feeling it gave him to imagine it, only that it wasn't pleasant, and he preferred not to think about it.

"Arthit, have you asked Kongpob why he pretended to be your boyfriend?" Knot said, once again pulling Arthit from his thoughts. "Have you asked him his intentions, or are you just making assumptions without talking to him?"

"I haven't asked him. What would I even say? 'Hey, Kongpob, I don't know what your intentions are here but I actually am gay and might be in love with you so if you could please not break my heart I would really appreciate it'?" Arthit's head snapped up and he felt his face flush as he realized what he'd said. "I mean, not in love but... I think like...maybe? I don't -"

"Arthit, you wouldn't have said it if it wasn't at least a little bit true." Knot leaned back and clapped Arthit's shoulder. "You need to talk to him, Arthit. I know it's going to be hard because you are probably the most emotionally constipated person I know, but if you don't want to get hurt you need to talk to him."