hell, happiness and hate

the beginning

I don't have many memories from when I was young - primary school. I just know I have always been someone who tends to stick around only one person. My first friend stuck from reception to year 2 and then this other girl came along, she was shy but ever so kind, she had amazingly long hair which she always wore in two plaits coming down to her back.

We became best mates, I was always slightly smarter than her in class but I wasn't cocky. We would spend all the time together - being the slowest eaters at lunch to the point where we didn't have time to go outside for break. We met up outside school as well.

Live continued everything okay right up till year 6. I remember this day clearly, there was always this sub teacher who would help me every year since reception. Unfortunately, she passed away from meningitis.

I remember our year 6 teachers coming into the classroom one day crying, everyone silent, confused until they told us. I was shocked, broken, upset but I didn't cry. I couldn't cry.

For some reason I couldn't cry over someone who died. A few weeks later it was her funeral, none of us were allowed to go but we got the day off school. That same day my dad (whom I'll explain about later) said he had to take our dog to the vets.

She was intensely sick and sore and wining all day, it wasn't fair on her. I remember mum taking me and my sister out to the shops and saying she might be there when we come back. I hoped she was.

When I got home I ran into the kitchen to where her bed was and saw a lump of blanket and  immediately thought omg she's still here then realised it wasn't, it was nothing but a lump of blanket. I wanted to cry, everyone else was crying but I couldn't.

I was again in shock.

Then the next blow happened. I recieved a letter at school for secondary school but it wasn't addressed to me, but it was but with the wrong last name?

The teacher called me up and I was confused, i kept saying that's not me. I don't know that last name, she said it must be the rest of the details are correct.

My parents were called into school where they had to explain to me and my teacher what was going on.

They told me 'Chloe, we're not your biological parents, I'm your aunt" my mum said. "Your mum wasn't well enough to look after you" I was shocked. I just merely nodded.

I was this 11 year old being told my life was a lie, I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry. I was confused sand upset but instead I just sat there.

When I opened my envelope telling which school I'd gotten into, I was overjoyed got BW was my first choice, I ran over to my best mate excited but then said said she'd got into a different school along with our other mate and suddenly my heart dropped.

Suddenly I started becoming more and more anxious on a daily basis, knowing I was gonna be alone at this new school with new people and making friends and socialising wasn't exactly my strong point.

It came to the leavers assembly, I stood next to my mate and we sang our leavers song. Looking around everyone was crying except for me and my best mate. Instead we were laughing. I don't know why. We weren't laughing at people crying I can tell you that but we weren't crying either.

We all went round getting everyone to sign our shirts, up till this day I still have that shirt, sometimes I wish I could go back to those days. It was easier then. I was happier. I didn't have so much to worry about.

The days before my mind was screwed up, all over the place and wanting me to die.

All through year 7, I had a lot of problems with friendships,  confidence and socialising. I tried keeping to myself a lot of the time but that seemed to cause more problems for me.

When I was 13. I was told. I was told about where my biological mother is. She had been in prison twice since I was 9 months old. Both times for stabbing people..I became a bit scared of her hearing this but curious and angry.

I wanted to know why. I wanted to know when. I wanted to know how. I wanted all these questions answered but I didn't wanna ask them.

I opened up to one of my mates and told her about my mum. Next thing I knew everyone knew ! I was even more angry, I started skipping lessons more to avoid everyone and their comments. My school was a circle basically so I spent my days lapping.

Day and day, I got worse. Then one day J and P (my parents) told me that E (my mum) wanted to see me but it was my choice if she did or not.

I immediately panicked, I didn't wanna see her, did i?

My mind raced. I was so focussed on this all the time that nothing else mattered. I pushed everyone away. I became angry. I started getting bullied. To start with it was just comments like loner and no friends.

But then it started to hit home. They started saying things like you're gonna turn out like your mother with a temper like yours. Oh no watch out she might hurt me like her mum did.

I became depressed. I started to believe everything people said..I started punching walls to control my anger.

Soon the bullying got worse in year 9, I had people telling me that everyone hated me, that I was better off death.

I started to listen. I tried to do them a favour.