Dead On Time (maylor)

Chapter 10

2nd January 1970 

Brian's P.O.V

It's been the best week in my life so far, I was always with Roger, like if we lived together, he even had a sleepover one day. Everything was perfect, sure I had the same negative thoughts and such, but they decreased. Every time I was visibly upset Roger made sure to comfort me, every single time. He didn't spend time with Clare, or doing his things, and I blamed myself for that. I held him back from doing his normal life and it wasn't fair for him.

Apart from that, Tim called. He wanted us to meet and practise for Smile, even if we agreed on having a small holiday until college started again. He insisted on meeting today afternoon, very unusual for him to be that persistent. I hoped that we were just going to practise, nothing else.

"A penny for your thoughts?" Rog's voice snapped me out my trance.

"Ah, that" I stared at him as he sat down next to me, on my bed.

"Yeah, that" he said, smiling.

"Nothing in particular" I said looking into his eyes "Just wondering why Tim wanted to do rehersals on our holidays"

"Don't worry about that. He's just a bit rushed when it comes to fame" he said in a dreamy voice. We weren't famous or anything near that, but he wanted to become an artist, a famous musician, and I'd be there when that happened.

Silence invaded the room for a moment, allowing me to review the past week for what felt like the thousandth time. Thoughts of our non-official dates, the first kiss of the year, like on those cliché films. But one special thought invaded my mind, morning of the 26th December. I had recently injured myself, Roger noticed it and asked for an explination, and I never explained him why, how, when... 

"There's something in your mind" Rog said, worry on his voice.

"What? No" I lied, fake smiling, feeling even worse after lying to my boyfriend. 

"I'm not sure 'bout that" he said "Please"

I took a deep breath, closing my eyes and contemplating if I should tell him or not. The reasons why I did it stabbed me like a blade, right through my chest. The feeling of guilt inside me increasing. I opened my eyes, now teary, decided on telling him the truth, he deserved to know after all "J-just that time you asked me about the, the cuts. I never answered your question" I said, as softly as I could.

Roger's eyes widened in realisation "Yeah, but you don't have to if you're not ready yet. I can wait"

"I know. But you have the right to know why" I took a deep breath, drying the falling tear running down my face. Ridiculous "On that moment I knew I dissapointed you, with the kiss and everything. Well and you asked me to do a list of things that I thought that went wrong and stuff, so I did it. But I realised that you, uhm, I don't know, you expected things from me that I wasn't ready to do, like talking to you, to try my best to stop my anxiety and such, but I wouldn't do them" 

"There's more, right?" his gaze examined me, making me a bit nervous. He should be a police officer, not a drummer.

I gave him a look "I wouldn't stop them because I deserve pain. I like feeling it" I said "I like suffering" I finished, whispering.

You shouldn't have fucking said that! How do you think he's going to react?! With cuddles and hugs? He's going to hate you, his boyfriend likes pain. Disgusting. You really fucked up this time.

"No, Brian, it's okay. You did what you had to do. Now Roger will have to deal with that information the way he wants"

AHHH. FUCK YOU BOTH.