How to Get Born Before You Die

How to Dance in Front of the Mirror

I was recently confronted about this essay by a dear friend, and felt the need to add a small disclaimer. This essay was written on my phone at 10:45pm on a Farm in Christchurch after a dump truck of emotions had been tipped over on my poor little heart. There are a few things that were written in this essay that I no longer agree with or believe, but I would like the essay to remain in its unaltered, broken state. Please enjoy.

Everyone on the internet or with a quirky divorced mom has seen that one quote, I think.

"You can't love someone truly until you learn to love yourself!"

This is a lovely message but is a bit flipped around.

I can't remember a childlike euphoria quite like talking to my first crush. Her name was Shelby, and she was dressed up as Princess Leia at a Halloween party. I must have been 9 or 10. I excitedly talked to her and shot my suction-cup-tipped arrows far into the wilderness of my friend's backyard to impress her.

Was this love though? Probably. Love as I knew it then.

Being in love has no trademarks or constants between people. I have been in love five times. All five were very different and reflected my development and desires at the time. The first time I have already told you about. Refer to paragraph 2 if you have forgotten.

Here are three conversations about love that have made me question myself and the idea of love:

Me: "Hey, can I just start saying 'I love you' instead of 'I like you?' It just makes more sense to me, but I wanted to ask you because I didn't want to cross a line"

Nondescript woman 1: *taken aback* "uhmmmm...can we talk about this upstairs?"

We never really talked about it.

Nondescript man: "your mother and I are getting a divorce"

Nondescript woman 2: "oh my god, I'm so sorry...I didn't mean to call you baby. It just slipped out. Oh my god. I'm so sorry. Don't leave."

We had been sleeping together and cuddling for months and were very both clearly very emotionally invested.

The definition of love is quite easy to find on google. "A feeling of deep affection."

Cool. So why is everyone so scared of this? For a few months of my life, I was romantically involved with a woman who was older than me, and she sometimes would preach to me about her experiences when she was my age.

"When you finally do fall in love," she said, "you will know."

"Ah," I said, deeply infatuated and in love with her.

The reason that love is so scary is that everyone thinks of it differently. My friend Abby is part of a large group of people who believe that love is a sure sign of upcoming marriage or can only be achieved over a long relationship.

"It sucks too because I was thinking just the day before he fucking broke up with me that I could maybe see myself falling in love with this guy," she sobbed. She had been dating her recent ex for almost a year.

On the opposite end of the spectrum you have my friend Meredith, seemingly equally invested in multiple people all at the same time, and with no regrets to be found.

"I went to Will's last night and he couldn't sneak me into the dorm so we had sex in his car!! It was really sweet."

This is a classic Meredith quote.

But they're both happy! And that is what is amazing.

The way I define love changes a bit by the day, as some things do.

Here is a final example: One of the people I fell in love with I knew for only four days. I doubt I will ever see her again.

HOWEVER

My longest relationship I have been in to date was lovely but I never fell in love with my partner at the time.

Love is for you to define for yourself, not for anyone to tell you about.

It can be scary if you let it! Never have I ever hated being told "I love you" though. Love means a lot.

Perhaps the reason why there isn't enough love in the world is simple: we're all reserving it for that "special someone." How can we tell we've found the one? The one worthy of our love, the one out of 4 billion (or 8 billion of you are bisexual) people who deserves our love? The only person on the ENTIRE PLANET who we fit with?

Don't hold back! Love people who you're not sure love you yet. Love yourself most of all. Put down a few love stories with your name on them before you kick the bucket! Life ain't that short, thank goodness.

So let's do a quick swap:

You can't love someone truly until you learn to love yourself!

to

You can love whoever you want whenever you want, BRENDA. Fuck you. Just kidding, I love you.

And even if you fall in love with someone else before you fall in love with yourself, don't worry! If you pay attention, they can introduce you to yourself and the things they like about you.

Pretty soon you'll start dancing in front of the mirror.