Stay With Me...

Chapter 17- Damage Control....or Acceptance

As it turns out, Emmaline's legs had taken her to a lake about a mile and a half from the cabin. The water was clam and was clean enough to give a perfect reflection of the cloudless blue sky. She was perched on top a large rock, hugging her knees, finding it hard to figure what she was really feeling. Part of her was angry at John for wanting to give up and for asking to change her life. Another part was mad at herself for lashing out at him, and finally, there was the loudest part, the part that was scared and telling her that they would never work out. How could they, he wanted retirement and a normal life, and she, she wanted to live the way like this for as long as possible. Could she even do 'normal' anymore?

For hours she sat on the rock, staring out into the distance, skipping pebbles whenever she found one. Once in a while she contemplated going back, chickening out every time because she didn't know what to say. Was there even anything to say? And if she did know what to say, would he listen? By the look on his face and how fast he disappeared after, she highly doubted it. Huffing in frustration, Emmaline threw herself back, laying on the rock.

"That doesn't look comfortable." John was standing a few feet from the high cluster of rocks that Emmaline was laying on.

Emmaline did not turn to look at him, propping herself on her elbows. "It's not, kind of hurts my back." She sat up a little more, "You can join me. If you feel like prioritizing the view over comfort." Within less than a few minutes John was sitting next to her, close yet not touching. One of his long legs stretched out in front of him and the other pulled up with his arm draped over it. Now that they were so close, the air felt tense, "I'm sorry about what I said this morning. I shouldn't have said it. And I'm really sorry."

John kept facing forward, picking at the hem of his jeans. At first, she thought he was didn't hear her, or maybe he was ignoring her. Then; "I'm sorry too." Sorry that he had brought it up. Sorry that this meant that they would possibly never work out. Sorry that he would have to leave her even though he was sure that he had fallen for her. "I shouldn't have sprung that on you." They both remained silent for a while, watching as the evening cast a shadow over the terrain, making it cooler than it was previously. "Did you mean it? Do you really not want to retire?"

It hurt when she spoke, and tears prickled against her eyes and her throat felt dry, "I did. I never knew who I was until Arthur gave me someone to be. I can't leave it behind to become nobody again. Worse yet, to make myself defined by someone else."

"What do you mean?" John felt like he was always asking that question when he was with her. Emmaline was, no doubt the most complex, yet utterly intriguing woman he had ever met. Helen was not like this, she said what she meant and meant what she said. She was clam, warm and simple in the best way. Emmaline was her polar opposite, ever-changing, moody and rough around the edges. He finally looked at her. Her eyes sparkled with tears and she was biting her bottom lip.

"When I was a kid, my parents decided everything. What I would wear, who I would be, what I was allowed to feel and not feel. Everything that I became had to be a perfect reflection of what they wanted. When I left for college, it was like they had thrown me out of the boat without a life jacket. I had know idea on who I was. Then I met Jeremy and he started deciding, he started being who I was, the doting girlfriend, the pretty sidekick and I didn't realize it until he was gone and I was lost again." She sniffled, shaking her head, willing herself to not cry, "But Arthur trained me, taught me and then put me out there to be someone who didn't need someone else to tell her who she was. He made me strong. He gave me myself. The first time he sent me on a job, I knew that I was doing what I was meant too." Emmaline sighed heavily, frowning as she met John's gaze, "I know it's not ideal, and it doesn't make me very user friendly, and makes me sound like a sadist," She laughed dry and grimly, "But this is who I am. And I can't leave it behind."

And here he was asking her too. "You think if you leave, you'll be giving up who you are. And everything you become will be up to me?" 

"I don't know. But I do know that if I'm not this, I don't know who the hell I am. At least, not yet." Emmaline let her head lay on his shoulder, "I can't risk it, I'm sorry."

John did not know how to reassure her, so he kept quiet. After he retired over four years ago, he never thought that he would have to get back in, and now that he was, he wanted to get out again. This was supposed to be his past, ergo he should be in his basement binding books. Feeding his dog before bed. Not on the run, killing his way to survival. He wanted to get back to his is home, but did he want to do it without Emmaline?