Enraptured

The first time we kissed was flooding warmth;
A sweet feeling passing through my body
Beginning with your lips, ending with my heart.

I was overjoyed, nervous, and trying to play it cool.
I couldn't possibly let the boy in front of me know
Just how much I was affected.

Each breath was filled with longing,
Wishing lips need not part.

Every kiss had me hoping for more,
Holding my breath.
Every touch making me wish you were closer.

The question I want to ask, is not how I can breathe without you,
But instead how breaths can not be taken.
How do I stop the need for air?
If I could, I would trade all my air for you,
Make every breath yours.

My heart beats to the drums of a nonexistent beat;
Where are you? How do I find you?
Out of all those I have met in this life,
None have had me so entranced.

I've become nothing, hollowing my insides,
Wondering where my happiness went.
I long for your embrace
which seems it will never come.

If only I had given into the feeling of being hopelessly in love,
Instead of becoming depressed at the thought of losing who I was.

Now here I am,
Trying to pick up the pieces.
I'm afraid though that I'll never quite be able to place a heart together
as it was meant to be.

I'm scared I'll never feel it again,
My heart picking up pace,
Staring at your lips,
Admiring your body.

Oh how short lived
Was the love of my lifetime.
For none else,
No ex or crush,
Has ever had quite the affect that you have on me.

I hide,
I'm shy,
I thought I told you that from the beginning.
I'm scared of being judged,
So I speak not my deepest desires and hopes.

I don't feel safe or comfortable showing my true self.
I hide my light, behind a shield of darkness.

I am too easily affected by your thoughts and actions,
And yet I try to act as if they have no affect.

Loving thoughts are easier to filter and remove from my dialogue, than those of pain and distrust.
And now, I have dug myself a hole so deep I cannot get out.

I dream of you,
Think of you,
Miss you.

I know not how, to find my way from here
Into your arms.

Stay with me,
Help me say my inner most words.
I tell you they are there.
The thoughts and things you want from me, exist.

If only you would look deeper,
If only we weren't so distorted,
If only.

I can't pretend I didn't do anything wrong,
I can't say I'm blameless.
I can say though, that my love for you runs as deep as the Earth itself.
That my thoughts and feelings for you defy all description.
That I hate what I have done to you.

If I had been more in tune with my inner self
I would never have tried to take my life.
If I had thought more about the bigger picture,
If I had taken a step back from my feelings of despair,
If I had spoken out more of the loving things I felt,
If I had chosen never to try and leave,
If I had been a better wife,
Would you still be here?
Would you still care?

I'm stuck in a place where I don't know whether to let go, or try harder.
I've become obsessive with my behaviour.
I've become something I don't even know how to describe.

You have devoured me and made me yours.
So now I ask,
Plead,
Beg,
Hope,
Crave,
Need,
Want,
Implore,
Desire,
Seek,
Yearn,
For you to take me back.

Every glimpse of you raises my spirits.
Every message from you makes me get my hopes up.
Every negative thing you say gets stored in a box that I dare not touch.

I refuse to take no for an answer,
And again I hate myself for it.

I won't hold you back forever,
I love you enough to let you move on.
I just wish that moving on wasn't what you wanted.

I don't want to be the bad guy,
Holding you captive in my
All consuming, demonic love for you.

So eventually you'll move on,
And I'll try.
I'm sure within me somewhere there's a way to rid you from my system.
Some way to move on.
But I know that a love as deep and strong as the one I have for you,
Will take a long time to recover from.

There are so many things about myself I wish were different.
For you I will do anything,
Be anything.

If given the chance,
I would rather be your slave
Than to live a life without you.

Tell me what to do,
I will do it.
Tell me what to say,
I'll say it.
But, don't ask me to not love you,
Because,
I can't.

So, I get that you want to leave.
I get that you want me no more.
I get that I've done things to hurt you.
I guess I need to stop, if you're sure.

But, please don't respond immediately.
Don't turn me down right away.
Give me some time to put back up, my shields,
So I'm protected from what you say.

So, in all I really love you;
Only a fraction have I expressed.
I get that you just can't do it;
Can't handle me being depressed.

I'm sorry that I've pushed you to this,
That I put so much on your mind.
I'm sorry to myself aswell,
For being the one who's left behind.

I'm the one who has caused this all,
Even if I only caused it in part.
If I had tried to do none at all,
We would have had, a much better start.

I'm sorry that our marriage fell through,
Trust me it's not what I want.
It seems that it's no longer in my hands,
You won't read, regardless of font.