My Art - Doodle Dump 7.0

💛 Dear Javier, 💛

          To be completely honest with you, I'm not really sure where to start. Haha. Um AND OKAy SO I WANTED THIS TO BE SUPER FORMAL AND ROMANTIC BUT LIKE ITS THREE DAYS UNTIL OUR ANNIVERSARY (when I'm writing this, ya know?) AND IM ALREADY FREAKING OUT HELp

Okay, I'm just going to start right now.
Right now.
Okay
Right now ahhhhHhh

Okay

          ➢ Javier, it's has been one year since I asked you to be mine, and it's been one hell of a ride. Sure, we've fought and disagreed more than a few times in the course of twelve months, but they really showed me how even if you fight, your relationship can still continue growing. Time gives relationships healing and the opportunity to become stronger. It also shows that I always end up going back to you, no matter how upset or sad I may be; that shows I need you. But, also, it shows that I want you over everything. Despite the distance and the feeling that I might never get to see you, I love you enough that I am willing to wait however long. I know that once we get to finally be together - nothing to really separate us like we do now - that things will be a lot easier. Even so, we're a team, (I consider you the main stability in our relationship), and I'll gladly be willing to do anything and everything to keep us afloat. I know that in the future, one point or another, that we'll face more hardships and more frustrations, but I don't think any of those things will break the bond that we have shared for many years. (If anything, I think arguments/disagreements show that we're being honest with one another). And aside from all the lovey-dovey stuff, I still and always will consider you my best friend. You've been there for me in and out, even when I clearly didn't deserve it. Like I said years ago: you saved me from myself for some reason? Pardon my language, but I know I was a complete asshole to you sometimes, like not opening up to you, and not talking to you, but you really helped me wake up and realize that the things I was worrying about don't really matter. What I deserved was a slap in the face, but you ran me over with a bulldozer lol
I needed to realize that there are so many good things in life to look forward to, instead of sitting in my own shit and soaking it all up to make me feel worse. You helped me realize that I needed to get over my past in order to do the things that I dreamed of doing. You helped me realize that my dreams could become reality if I really wanted them to. You taught me that I have to be the person in my life to make the difference I want to see. You were the positive light I needed while I was going through some tough times, and, honestly, I think I was that person for you, too.

   I'm usually not one to focus too much on my zodiac, but I read something on my daily horoscope, which said, "Don't wait for others to take action. Be the change you want to see and always lead by example." This was what you taught me but said way better.

The very first day we began talking, the first few things we talked about, was how similar our lives were: our dads are shitty. But you also helped me realize that I don't need a dad to become the person I want to be. Parents are basically there to teach me how to do the things I want to do, how to parent for myself, how to grow and become a decent adult, and the rest I do by myself, right? But without him being here, and with your help and wise advice, I finally learned that I don't need him for any of those things. If anything, there's one thing that sick bastard taught me is what a husband, or a boyfriend, or a lover shouldn't be. Everything my father is you aren't; everything you are is what he isn't. You're honest, trustworthy, kind, loving, generous, understanding, courageous, strong. You're a fighter. You could've made it from hell and back, and you'd still be the same person I fell in love with a year ago today.

     Before I move on, I would like to thank you for trusting me with your personal life. Out of all people to tell, you told me, and I feel honored, so thank you. I will always listen to your pains and do the best I can right now to help you get through it.

From the few relationships I've been in, online or not, you have obviously been the most loving and best one out of all of them combined. My other relationships were nothing but a waste of time, and I don't mean that lightly. Those relationships never helped me grow as a person; if anything, they made me... well... a shitty person. I can't remember one good thing coming from any of them that was really helpful for me being who I strive to be. Not one thing. (If anything, maybe to learn to stand up for myself when somebody does something to me that I don't like, but that's sort of an outside perspective. COUGH IAN.) What I needed was somebody to treat me right and not say that I was perfect, because I'm not, and I wasn't. You, in a way, helped me correct my flaws and become a better person, a better friend, a better lover. Everything I've learned from our relationship, Javi, has been nothing but helpful. You helped me recognize what becoming a better person meant, not only to myself, but to others.
The first time we disagreed, Javier, I thought we were over. I thought you would leave me because I was too stubborn to handle. Boy, does that feel like such a long time ago. And the few times after that, I almost thought I'd lose you again, but, yet, you're still here. I know that sometime when we fight and we go a few hours/days or so without talking, that time is the best thing for both of us. But fighting doesn't mean you don't love somebody, right? Still being with that person after a big fight means you love them more than your different opinions, right? But this isn't about fighting, because I know if somebody asked me about our relationship, I would tell them it's a healthy amount of everything. A healthy amount of silliness, love, silliness, jokes, serious conversations. I don't think I'd change a thing about our relationship.

Even though we are very similar in so many ways, we also have our differences, but they're not bigger than the love we have for each other. I always felt that love was this weird feeling in your heart for somebody and you stayed together because of that love, but now I feel as if it has a different meaning.
Personally, I think love is, sure, that "weird feeling" that makes you do weird things because your emotions towards that person are so out of whack you can't handle yourself... But, to me, it's also putting that person before you, caring for that person, being honest with that person, sometimes being mean to that person because of the emotions you have for them, and willing to do literally everything you can for them. Love is holding onto everything you have left for that person, and they do the same for you. Love doesn't necessarily have to be put into words, but maybe even actions and gestures. But, for now, this is what I have.
I'm saying all of this junk to say that:
I fully and wholly love you with everything that I have, and this was my attempt of explaining that to you. I will give myself to you because of all the feelings I have towards you. (fuCk I'm crying haha) There's nothing I wouldn't do for you, Javier. And, I think, you deserve the world, so why wouldn't you deserve me, right? I don't think there was a better time to ask you to be mine than when I did. I think it was perfect you both you and for me. I love you so much, you dork, but I also can't stand you because you drive me up a fucking wall sometimes lol

I love you.
I love you so.
Thank you for loving me.
And thank you for the year we've had together.

Also, here's the drawing I did for you:

Sure, I look a little wonky, but I literally started crying while drawing you because, well, you are so fucking god damn adorable dvdkfbrodbjwdvrhenejke and I love you fbejeveowbwkevdjdbfjdbfifhfbf

If you want, Javi, you can look at my other chapters for the art you helped me do! 💕

I love you, Javier.
I love you so much.
I hope you have a wonderful day. 💛💛

~Maleah
8/4/19 💕