I have a problem, a disability. A problem that pushes me to live with anxiety. I may not be showing it so much. Although I live with the fear of stuttering 24/7. And I am here today, telling this because I want to share my story and maybe change some point of views.
This disability makes me feel stuck. It captures my life and limits my freedom. It restricts my opportunities. It makes me feel like I have started one step behind from the start line of the journey of life. Abaft from everybody else. A huge one step. Other people including my family and friends don't and can't understand me which is not their fault to be honest. Because they have never been through what I have been through and what I will go through the rest of my life.
Yes, you heard that right. The rest of my life. Unlike some disabilities, a lot of them don't go away with or without therapy which a lot o people can't afford getting because of their financial limits. So its not like that we always have control over our disability. You can't expect us to be like " Poof disability gone, poof disability back". Because different from some of us, a large amount of disabilities come from birth and none of us wanted or asked for it.
And trust me, I am speaking here as a disabled person, we as the pittied community would give all we have to escape from this humiliative position. But life just doesn't work that way I guess. And sometimes I think, since we try hard enough to avoid the bullies but we get rarely successful and somehow always end up being the ones that go home and cry for something that is not our fault. Why don't the people that make us feel the way we do as the outsiders in the first place try being a little understanding.
Maybe they can stop trying to make us look and feel like some creepy abnormal monster out of this world. Maybe they could treat us just like every other person. If they can just think for a second and say " Oh she is disabled, she is probably going through a lot already. Maybe if I just be kind to her, she would appreciate it". Which is absolutely true. It would actually make our lives better and give us hope. Cause we just want you to know we are trying so hard to go on, to not give up. But as long as the outside world behaves towards us the way they do, we will keep being sceptic.
If I'll have to describe my feelings,( I don't know if this is going to make any sense but) I figured out that while a lot of people are neutral and are trying to reach positive, I'm negative and I'm trying to reach neutral.If people had awareness, if people had the ability to normalize the actions of a disabled person instead of being prejudgemental, I don't think I would be writing this because there wouldn't be a problem. By the way I'm not trying to say everyone is guilty, I'm just trying to being up some facts.
If ill have to talk about the scientific side, the statistics have proven that stutterers stress nonstop when their minds are awake( when they aren't sleeping) and we are the least self-confident people in the world. You might be saying "Whatever, I stress all the time as well, its not a big deal". Bro, im literally scared to talk and you have no idea how hard it is.
Another unexceptable problem: It's one thing to bully but it is another level of disrespect to push someone(especially disabled) into doing what they are physically, mentally, emotionally not capable of. My parents for example forced me to go to a summer school this summer because every other parent sent their kids to university summer camps so that when they apply for collage it will look good on their application. But you know here is the problem: Every kid isn't the same, they don't live under the same circumstances. The fact that the universities avoid this truth makes it even harder for those kids. I for example stressed about this summer camp since I learned I was going to go to it. Which is for half a year. Do you have any idea what it is like to worry that kids will laugh at the way you talk. Just maybe try to understand our pain. Let me explain a bit from my life and my stutter for example. I am scared to have a daily conversation with my family. I don't want to dissapoint them. I sometimes even think that they don't like me. Maybe they would like to change me with someone that could talk properly.
This also affects other parts of my life. I am scared to talk in class, to give presentations which is why my grades are low. My personal opinion is that if teachers can give another option (that doesn't include talking) to their students, they would get it done gladly. Im scared to order food or ask for clothing sizes (basically saying 3 words) which is why I avoid going out. This has caused me to lose friends, be antisocial and be lonely at some points. It basically holds me back from doing everything I feel confident doing.
I'm just saying we really don't want to be known by our disabilities like the "stuttering girl". We want people to get to know us before they judge us from what they observe from the outside. Because we are stressed. We get stressed to get in any interaction with the outside world because of the judgmental implicit bias we are going to have to face. Later on we know we will be under stereotypical threat which makes us feel uncomfortable being around other people. Because then we feel like we make them feel uncomfortable.
For a big part of my life I thought that I was the problemed one, the one that needed to be fixed, the one that needed special treatment and that I had to stay away from others because I'm not like them, because no matter how hard I try,I won't be able to fit in. That what the community made me feel like. Thats the impression they gave me.
Some of us live with the fear of being alone, some of us are actually live alone their whole lives because of the discrimination which leads to countless suicides. You know, I understand, you need to be careful and you need to make sure you do whats best for you while interacting with people but sometimes this leads to criticizements which goes too far and even though you don't see a lot of people get hurt. If someone came to me with a pure look in their eyes and if they treated me like a friend, didn't talk to me about my stutter, someone that doesn't needs to be mean to other people in order to live, Im pretty sure they would see a kind hearted angel, a natural soul.
My whole point of this causerie was to raise awarness. If I could, happy for me. We are really fargile. We start everyday thinking we are a failure. A little bit more sensitivity would be great. Please don't blame people about something before you know if it was their choice, if they had control over this thing. Keep in mind that a little bit more mindfulnes can change someones life. Be gentle on people. I promise that it will come back to you one day. Lastly, think before you act. Get to know each and every one in person. Remember, they were born with it.
YOU ARE READING
I Was Born With It
Non-FictionNo one is valueless. You are different, you are special but most importantly you are human. Note: This isn't a story, its a causerie. This is what I have been through, it doesn't apply to everyone else that lives with the same condition as me.
