How Expectations had Shattered me.

Expectations [noun]: - 'a strong belief that something will happen, or be the case.'

Disappoint [adjective]: -'hopes, or expectations prevented from being realized.'

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  'Learn to give, without expecting anything in return' were the words she whispered into my ears as we were in the midst of what would be the most heated argument of our friendship. I looked down, paper in hand as everything that I've came to known as the truth were a bunch of lies. There we were, friends for years, I've seen her through every up and down, thick and thin, wins and losses life had in store for her. I've seen her in her pyjamas a gazillion times. Watched her sulk and cry in the club, quite embarrassing I must admit, over a failed relationship. On the other side of the spectrum, we've been serving our internship in buildings next to each other where I would walk her across the bustling road of our city center almost every day. Point is, I thought I knew her well enough to know her lowest lows and celebrate the highest high. Until of course, I was told otherwise.

  Expectations, is the desire we hold out in our hearts for something that we long for. It could be, the A+ grade that we set out to achieve after putting in countless of hours of study, or the standing ovation from the crowd after a stand up comedian has been practising his punchline in all the clubs around New York, or in my case, the mere thought that me and her wanted each other. Who would've thought I'd be dead wrong.

Let me take you on a journey to see how something so subtle, and yet apparent could lead me on to think of scenarios that existed far beyond anything she could comprehend.

  It all started at the time of her breakup and she needed a shoulder to lean on, well of course I was there but had I known I liked her then, I would have acted differently (to be more shy and less proactive would be the description). Just like any good friend, we'll be there for our friends because we want to. The trauma went on for quite a while, but it seemed like the lonely days don't feel that lonely anymore, Friday nights were no longer reserved for drinking and partying in the club had nothing more to do than to enjoy rave music with friends to escape the stresses of university life. Slowly, she confided in me emotions that filled her cup to the brim. Admittedly, it was difficult to keep up with so much negative energy (energy is contagious), but hey, every heart break has its own season right?

  Fortunately, the season was over and we started hanging out more, spending time talking about everything and nothing about life, from topics of sexual positions to dreams and aspirations, and sometimes we even look back and laugh at our past relationships. As mood improved and things started to look up, she told her mom about me. I had mixed feelings about that.

  Soon enough, we established a deeper understanding towards each other. She knew what I liked and despised, I knew her judgemental look when she sees a mainstream bitch walking past her in the mall. We knew each others quirks and pet peeves, often teasing each other in front of our group of friends, people started matchmaking (shipping) us as a couple. As this progressed, and her mom being notified of my presence, I had a silent conversation with myself and wondered where were things going.

  So, the feeling outgrew the thought quota that I imposed on it everyday. And shortly after, my days were filled with wonder, thinking to myself how is she today? What has she been up to? Is she thinking of me, the same way I am thinking of her too? With each passing moment, my heart carries with it the burden of wanting to know whats on her mind, what lies between us, and what her mom thinks of me.

  As we are majoring in different courses from different universities, we met at awkward rushed timings during the weekday but supplemented them with weekend hangouts. We did her favorite things together, and likewise. Things were going well, that's all I could say, at that moment. But, like how most of the questions I ever wanted to ask will always linger in my head as unanswered thoughts, the one about us never quite came out. This reciprocation of effort, I figured would eventually be of success when she starts to think of all the things we could be in the future. All I have to do, is be patient. [Inner monologue: Isn't that what they always say?].

  Then, came the dreaded news bursting at the seams. She wanted to meet me the other day, with some urgent news to share. Being curious, and a little excited (I must confess, to a certain degree of expectation) I drove up to her place. She told me, she found someone. After years of searching. After us hanging out for 2 years. She finally found someone worth every single second of her every single day (I often joked saying that you should not even consider a guy, if you never feel like being around him every single second of every single day.)* And she just went on and on about him, the connection, the spark, the movie nights, the sushi dates.

  Days turned into weeks, and into months where she's still going on dates with him. They decided to take things slow, as if uncertain of taking the initiative and delving into the unknown. Regardless, we tried to keep our meet ups as frequent as possible, albeit Friday nights were no longer us-time anymore. It belonged to someone else. Still, I tried being there for her whenever I could. Although we met up way lesser, sometimes it does feel like nothings changed at all. Food delivery at her door step when she was cooped up with examination stress hours before finals, visits to the doctor when she felt ill and sickly, or lunch with our phones away from the table whenever one of us wonderlusters came back from embarking on our journeys elsewhere. Bottom line was, I was still there for her, she was still her, and things between them did not evolve. Or at least, that was what I thought, or expected it to be.

  That night, when she whispered the words I never wanted to hear, my heavy heart shattered as it got pierced by a dagger. I couldn't stand properly from where we were seated as I looked in confusion, almost as if to say I barely understood the words coming out from her mouth. I had mustered up the courage to ask her, why things between her and him weren't showing any progress, followed by the expression of my affection towards her and a question that came mumbling out if there were any chance of us getting together, as she was waiting for me to make a move all along. Perhaps, inspired by a scene from Love, Rosie- I was too far off. Nothing was what I expected it to be. I was wrong. Dead wrong. She was not waiting for me. She never thought we were compatible and I was just seeing things I wanted to see, and convincing myself of her good sides. She's taking it slow with him because the thought of getting hurt again would traumatize her. She told me we were 'just friends' and if she knew I had a thing for her in the beginning she would have friend-zoned me from the start. Her final words came when she leaned over and gently cupped her hand around my ear as she dealt the death blow, to say- 'Learn to give, without expecting anything in return'.

  Very much disheartened by her statement, as if to suggest I had intentions all along. I cant help but ask myself, where did things go wrong? Was my goodwill and my doings fueled by the fact that I wanted to be there for this girl regardless; or was it at the very least intervened by the fact that I might actually stand a chance of being together with this girl, and doing these were a means of impressing her. One or another, I can't help but think how expectation has became such a cruel noun. As I took small strides on the way back the lonely road, the mere thought of performing all these acts of kindness, in hopes of wanting an event to occur displays a lack of sincerity and genuine concern. Something that I believe I will struggle to find out, even years from now. Something that I don't expect to have the answers to, because expecting leads to disappointment and it shatters one. There will be some things in life that I would never know the answer to.