When I'm Gone

Dont Go.

13/6/05 3:30pm

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I was sitting on the sofa my eyes were red and I didn't want to cry anymore. I didn't want to lose mummy or daddy. I wanted my family to stay together. I needed to understand what was going on, but no one would tell me.

I curled up on the sofa, my belly making strange noises as I waited for my daddy to come back in. He bought in a hot chocolate piled with whipped cream and marshmallows, he knew it was my favourite but I didn't want it. I wanted mummy, I wanted daddy.

"Tell me whats going on daddy, why cant you look at mummy anymore?" I whispered, trying to sound strong.

"Its complicated sweetie, but we both love you very much" he said.

"If you loved me you'd tell me!" My voice sounded a little harsh and he took a long breathe and nodded.

"Im going away for a while. You know I go on tours but this ones big. Im not here very much anymore am I? Im sorry baby but mummy wants me here, I cant be here. I don't have a choice. When I'm home we fight because as soon as I'm back, I have to leave again. " he said slowly.

"Daddy don't leave, don't go please daddy we need you. Mummy needs you." I pleaded, hoping he'd understand.

He didn't answer this time. He had tears down his cheeks. Daddy never cried. Daddy was strong. He was right, i didn't understand. Daddy had to do his job. He had to go on tour. He was loved, adored by many. But no one could love him as much as mummy did.

Daddy would lose his temper easily from time to time. He would always apologise after but mummy still flinched when he lifted his hand just to move his pillow. Mummy was quiet most of the time. She didn't have a voice in this house except from when I was with her. Mummy would tell me everything, say I was beautiful and I wasn't born for this. That I don't deserve it, but I didn't understand what she meant. She'd braid my hair whilst i got ice cream all round my mouth. But i didn't want that, i just wanted us to be together, all of us. Mummy and daddy should be happy, not fighting. I closed my eyes and nodded, praying that daddy wouldn't leave. Please don't leave daddy. Please stay with mummy.