I used to

I used to live in a big house

I need to breathe, I need to breathe, I need to breathe. 

I haven't stopped telling myself this simple sentence since my parents closed the door of my room behind them an hour ago. And here I am, alone, having no clue what to do but stay still on my bed, in my new tiny little college room. I try desperately to hold the tears coming all over my eyes while I smooth a fold on my immaculate white dress. After a few minutes, I finally wipe my eyes and stand up:

 "Politeness, self-control and shiny smile" I whisper; those are the three words that built me from my youngest age. Growing up in such a conservative family has not always been easy and I can't say that I am so close to my parents since I never shared with them my feelings or thought, but they are everything I have. Everything but Michaela, my best (and only) friend. We are so different but still the same. 

I smile while I pick up my phone, I was so preoccupied with staying in my post-highschool depressed mood that I didn't even ask her how was her first day of class at NYU. " I MISS YOU " she yells when she finally answers the phone I exhale, I didn't realize how important she was in my life until I had to left her when I got into my dream school: Columbia. " Lucky me, my room-mate looks super nice, we are now leaving for having dinner with a few people from our biology class, she continues, "what about you?" "ugh... my room is pretty small, my room-mate didn't arrive yet and I am affrayed that I could be suffering from an important depressed state right now " I admit. I keep complaining about over half and finally hang up. Feeling better, I decided to clean my room to try to feel a little more like home.

I hang a light string, fill my bookshelf with the few books I was able to bring with me. Books are my whole universe, reading helped me putting words on emotions that had never been named around me, give me friends when I was lonely and something else to think about when I wasn't good enough, having to choose only a few of them has been heart-breaking but I am glad I have them with me. When I finally find my old mirror, I stop at the sight of the reflection of my thin brown hair pulled back in a tight bun, surrounding my oval-shaped face dominated by two shiny green eyes and a few freckles I tried to hide my whole childhood. I am obviously wearing an umpteenth plain white dress with those collard giving undeniable 'good girl vibe'. 

 I was so absorbed by my own observation that I didn't even notice than someone opened the door. When I turn around, I can't help but step back at the view of my new room-mate. The first thing that I see is the flashy blue of her middle-long hair. She wears a white crop top and a plain high-waisted black jean, her green eyeshadow unexpectedly putting under light the blue of her eyes. I surprise myself thinking that she is truly beautiful while starring at her waist and she shapes her belly. But I come to my senses when I realize that she is staring at me as well, a smirk glued to her lips. I instantly blush, self-conscious of my wide hips I am desperately trying to hide behind a fairly long dress; self-conscious of the freckles people made fun about for years, self-conscious of how unusual and weird making friends was for me. 

 The first thing that I see is the flashy blue of her middle-long hair. She wears a white crop top and a plain high-waisted black jean, her green eyeshadow unexpectedly putting under light the blue of her eyes. I surprise myself thinking that she is truly beautiful while starring at her waist and the shapes of her belly. But I come to my senses when I realize that she is staring at me as well, a smirk glued to her lips. I instantly blush, self-conscious of my wide hips I am desperately trying to hide behind a fairly long dress; self-conscious of the freckles people made fun about for years, self-conscious of how unusual and weird making friends was for me.

 Just when the weight of the silence was getting unbearable, she gives me her hand, without losing her self-confident smile, and tells me "I'm not staying, see ya around cutie", I blush even more end can't even think of something cool to say before she reaches the door:

" I'm Jenny by the way" she whispers while closing the door. I exhale, just realizing that I had been holding my breath the whole time.

 After a quick call to my parents, lying that I am happy and focus on my studies, I decided to find a way to cure the boring of my life and go for a walk around the campus. After going through all kind of cliche college groups, I decided to head to the library to find a good book to read and eventually finding some information about my future courses. Once I reach the huge building, I enter timidly and stand in front of the breath-taking room. Here, books are divided into five huge floors, with long tables where hundreds of students came to study. But most of all, I see some pillows all over the floors where students are sitting with blankets to read. I feel utterly overwhelmed while choosing a romance and taking place among all those people sharing the same interest. I am so focused on my lecture that I don't notice the sun going down and students leaving one by one. 

When I finally check my phone, I jump on my feet at the sight of 2 a.m on the screen. When I turn around, I notice that there is only one person left beside me on the floor. Indeed, a boy is sitting, his long brown hair hanging all over his shoulders, and I just notice that he is wearing an earpiece when our eyes meet.