Inspired by this wonderful art by @kmexin https://kmexin.tumblr.com/post/185653211592/maybe-this-is-the-worst-thing-miles-ever-done-to
Work Text:
That Joke Isn't Funny Anymore
He could see it happening once again before the door even opened.
The sound of that specific song playing in an empty venue always brought Miles back to his childhood room in Meols. If Miles closed his eyes now, there would still be sunshine passing through the shabby window, dusts dancing around in the air, and their intwined shadows casted on the faded carpet.
It was when Miles was young, ruthless and ungrateful, cherishing the bliss of the moment more than a lifetime promise. They would sit down, write and sing, hoping somewhere down the road they'd find themselves. They would allow only each other to mock any secret fantasies they had, and they then wrote those into intricate and obscure lyrics for only them two to share.
Alex was always happy when the sun's out. Miles would suggest a walk to the seaside if he caught Alex peeking outside. They sat down inside a bus stopper. Through a thin layer of dirty glass, Miles pointed at the line of small boats along the shore and told Alex he used to dream about stealing one of them and sailing on, until he circled the whole world and returned to his mum's welcoming arms.
"I'd definitely do some crazy stuff if I got a mate who's up to it."
To his words Alex smiled mischievously. He was half amused, half serious. "That has to be me, right?"
Alex was so right. He was almost always right. In reality, they did travel around the world together. Slowly Miles realized he was in trouble, because no matter how much time they spent together, Miles always felt it wasn't enough. It began as an annoyed feeling of unsatisfactory, and eventually turned into a sick craving that continued to eat him away in the later years.
If asked about the moment of enlightenment, Miles would say it was the day when Alex's visit ended. Miles had insisted to go with him to Liverpool. They spent another two days in the city. In one dark corner inside the Cavern Club, Miles remembered joking about how jealous he was for Alex to play in this venue. "You lucky star, Turner!" He shouted between laughs, pretty sure he had seen the sparkles in Alex's eyes turning into something explosive and beautiful.
Miles had failed to find a way to depict that night as they gradually got smashed, getting closer and closer. Suddenly he had Alex's hands around his waist, Alex's lips against his own. Alex's eyes were warm but distant when Miles tried to search for an answer in them. Out of the blue, Alex burst out laughing as if that was a good old prank he had planned, and Miles had no choice but to laugh along.
The next day when Miles woke up with a cracked head and broken memory. Alex was already on the train back to London.
There was an illegible note he left on a piece of napkin: an invitation for Miles to go to London and visit him, a promise to see each other soon, and an obvious disclaimer that he had no use for Miles' stupid heart.
The memory haunted Miles more than any other, repeatedly taunting him about the fact that he had fallen in love with Alex before he even understood it.
+
According to Alex, Miles never understood the concept of love.
This was one thing that Miles did not agree with him. He'd scream if not for the fact that he didn't know what to say. I love you. I have always loved you. The words were just light enough for him to swallow, but heavy enough to hurt his stomach every time he did so.
In a way Miles did this to himself, and he considered Alex to be mostly innocent: To Alex, it had probably never been more than a joke. Miles could see humor in the situation as well: complete strangers insisted they were secretly shagging each other and all their public love relationships were fake. It was hilarious to some extent. Miles could also tell that Alex found it amusing yet disturbing at the same time. It was Miles who persuaded him to let it go and play it up, putting up a good show for the world to see and laughing off the rumors.
