No Distance Left To Run

2009

They were both in London at some bar, with a bunch of friends and friends of friends. The party was terrible, boring and loud with too many strangers around. Alex was deep in thoughts when Alexa leaned in with a mischievous smile and then – he would never have guessed - kissed him on the lips. She was beautiful, charming and easily likable, and the kiss itself was neither rushed nor heavy, nothing like what he had been having for the past few months.

Breathing in her delightful fragrance, Alex almost forgot how it felt like to kiss a girl.

A nameless yearning had him freeze and shut his eyes. It must have lasted a few seconds, or longer, leaving Miles enough time to get himself together and acted like an amused best mate. Miles threw his head to the side, laughing. Alex pulled away as if a lightening just passed through his spine when he heard the odd, strident sound Miles barely managed to cover with smirks.

Alexa slapped Miles on the shoulder with a coy smile, getting up from her seat. She batted her lashes at Alex in a suggestive way before offering to get them the fourth round. She didn't see the guilt on Alex's face, which came as an unfair afterthought.

"Have fun, Al." Miles said to him once Alexa disappeared into the crowd to order them the fourth round.

He could still be joking, but his eyes lacked the usual humorous sparks. "I'm off to me hotel."

"What-you don't even have one! You're staying at mine, remember?"

"I'm sure it's not hard to find a room, don't worry. You have a good night, Alex."

Alex pushed though the packed dance floor, following Miles all the way to the front door. The warm tingling left by alcohol was swept clean when they stepped into the breezy summer night and Miles began to walk away. Alex rushed to catch his pace, hesitated before grabbing at Miles' bare elbow. "Miles, come on, you can't be serious-"

Miles looked at him as if he had to be overly patient to not shout. "Alex," If he now accused Alex of being a thick-headed jerk who let it happen, that would be easier. But Miles didn't look angry as he was entitled to be. He was almost amused, yet clearly hurt and sad. "You liked it."

A flood of shame drowned him. Alex did like it. He felt too drunk to explain, but to let Miles go like this was not an option either. "Miles, I-"

"Do you miss being with a woman?" Miles went on to press the issue even more. The question stuck in Alex's feet like a needle, and every step he took there was pain following him.

Alex whimpered, desperate to stop this train that was doomed to wreck. "I'm with you."

Miles stopped suddenly under the streetlight and turned around, causing Alex to knock into him in surprise. His chest was flat and bony, nothing like a curvy body of a girl. "I'm not saying you can't, Al. I...I know you do."

"Sorry." Alex murmured. An apology was equal to an admission, but he didn't want to lie. Miles sighed lowly. Alex's stomach squirmed when Miles circled both arms around him, crushing Alex into his body.

In a tight, bitter voice Miles whispered back. "It's alright Al, really. I mean, if you wanna go back-"

Alex shushed him immediately, wanted nothing but to go home. Miles agreed with relief. The glad smile appearing at the corner of Miles' mouth was like a blow to Alex's face. He felt he was given up too easily after everything, as if Miles had no intension to fight for them at all. But at the same time, Alex didn't feel entitled to be angry. It's his stupid body that decided to like the kiss, although his mind cared about Miles only.

They never really sat down for awkward talks about their relationship. It happened so fast, unplanned and unexpected. One minute they were talking about music, the next thing Alex knew, he was leaning against the restroom door in one of the venues they played together. Miles' mouth travelled around his body, taking his mind to heaven.

To Alex, the whole thing was brand new and frightening. He was always in a dazed hurry while kissing Miles, as if he's constantly worried that they'd get caught and then there would be trouble.

"I don't want anyone else." He swore firmly, desperate wanted to prove himself. The door clicked shut and locked itself behind them. Alex stood stiffly in the centre of the living room like a boy who'd made a serious mistake and was waiting nervously for punishment.

Miles actually chuckled at Alex's words. His eyes were the shade of caramel under the warm light in Alex's flat, and he looked like he belonged to here. The expression on Miles' face softened even more when he gestured Alex to come forward. "I believe you." His thumb brushed over Alex's bottom lip gently. "And I'm sorry I reacted poorly. She kissed you. It's not your fault."

"I don't know why I didn't pull away." Alex looked down. Miles was wearing a pair of patterned socks he found in Alex's drawer. The sight made his stomach twitch with sweet delight, and the weird desire he felt earlier with Alexa' kiss was back, chewing at his nerves.

It's not like Alex thought being with Miles wasn't enough. However, he couldn't deny that something was missing, and it's unlikely a woman's body.

Miles read his mind. The hand on his face became demanding and tilted Alex' head back, and Miles leaned in as soon as Alex dared to look at him again. The kiss was slow, soft and gentle, making Alex's knees weak and shaky.

It's the tenderness that he missed the most.

It's more than embarrassing when Alex decided he wanted to follow Miles into the bathroom. He squeezed himself into the narrow shower, fully clothed still. Miles laughed and shook his head slightly, putting too much shampoo into Alex' hair and too many kisses onto Alex' neck.

Miles could be so gentle, and it's not like Alex didn't know. Partly he had avoided affection on purpose, partly he sought for roughness subconsciously, not knowing how long this passion would last. It had always been like this and Miles never complained. He'd do whatever Alex pleased, and he'd let Alex do anything.

Took Alex enough time to know. Slowly he explained, "I did miss kissing a girl, I guess. I miss something I know well about. With you...most of the time I don't know what I'm doing, Miles. It feels like something I'd never get used to."

Miles' face twitched like he couldn't decide to smile or frown. Alex blinked the water out of his eyes, feeling a little lightheaded. He added, "I can never get enough of you."

A surprised whine escaped Alex when Miles dropped down on his knees, burying his face into Alex's stomach. The gesture itself was almost chaste, even with Miles being naked and Alex's fingers combing through the damp curls on the back of Miles' head. He was shaking all over. Alex had to put a hand on his nape to calm him down.

"... scared the hell out of me, Alex."

A shiver run down Alex's spine also, as Miles held onto him tightly. Now he was guilty for a completely different reason. The sprinkle muffled his voice. "Miles-"

"You'd make a perfect couple. You can hold hands whenever you want. No need to worry about being caught all the time. You can be in love-"

Alex twisted a few strands of hair around his fingers, pulling slightly until Miles reluctantly raised his head. "I am in love already, Miles...with you."

Love talk was nothing new, but usually it came after making out drunkenly and getting each other off in a shabby dressing room. Miles made an ungraceful, sobbing sound and hid his face again in the fabric of Alex' wet T-shirt. They stayed like this for a while, until the water started to lose its temperature that Miles was ready to let Alex move.

It was later when they were in bed that Miles could joke about the party being not all that shitty, after all. He had both arms around Alex's waist. Nobody held Alex as tight as Miles would do, as if he constantly needed Alex to be close.

Alex found it difficult not to know that Miles loved him back.