In My Head

I couldn't believe what I just witnessed. She had finally pushed him over the edge, and now he had killed her. My son, Kevin, had just gotten a knife and stabbed my wife, his own mother, Elizabeth. I watched, unable to move due to shock and disbelief, as the horrifying event began to occur right before my very eyes. As Elizabeth's dead, lifeless eyes stared into my guilt-ridden soul, Kevin was begging me to help him with his plan, to make it look as though Elizabeth had committed suicide. It was quite simple really, all we had to do was put the knife in Elizabeth's hand, to make it look as though she had stabbed herself. We called the police, told them that we had found her like this, and that was it. I never forgave myself for that, but I didn't want Kevin to go to prison, he would die since he was only 19 and he was mentally unstable, I couldn't let him go. I had already lost one person I loved, I couldn't lose the other.

When the police arrived, I was still shaken up and crying, but you would expect that from someone who had just found their wife dead, even though that wasn't the real reason as to why I was in such a state. Kevin had thrown the knife he had used into the dishwasher before he placed it in Elizabeth's hand, so the blood and fingerprints were all washed away. There were no other witnesses, so the story was completely believable with no evidence against it. The police observed the body, pronounced her dead and took the body with them. That was when I had realised it had worked, and we had gotten away with it.

I knew exactly why Kevin did what he did. Kevin was schizophrenic, so Elizabeth sent him to a psychiatric hospital. She sent him when he was just 16, and I thought it was right at the time, because I used to be schizophrenic too, but I was sent to the hospital and I was cured, so I thought it would help him. Just even thinking about how horrible I felt whenever those voices in my head were taking over my life makes me feel terrified. Whenever I stopped hearing them, it was one of the happiest things that had ever happened to me, and I wanted Kevin to feel the same. But, every time we went to visit him, he kept saying how the voices he heard were telling him they didn't like it, and that he should escape.. Now, I thought he would've been better staying home because I could tell he was suffering, and that it was doing him more harm than good, but Elizabeth insisted.  So he escaped, and he killed Elizabeth after he escaped, which was now. We told the police that Elizabeth was so frustrated by the whole thing, because she was trying to help Kevin, but he wouldn't let her, that she killed herself, but the truth was, Kevin hated it in there, so he killed Elizabeth to make sure he wouldn't have to go back.

After the murder, I went down to the psychiatric hospital where Kevin was staying, and took him out permanently. I told them that he had been staying with me since he escaped, so they let him go. A few days later, it was Elizabeth's funeral, and then we had to get on with life. But I couldn't, with the ball of guilt that was continuously growing inside me. I couldn't handle the stress and anxiety of keeping it a secret, so I started to hear the voices I used to hear, the voices similar to the ones Kevin hears now. I could hear them whispering in my ear, saying things like "Why wouldn't you tell someone?" "Are you afraid? Are you scared?" "Tell someone!".  I knew I shouldn't, and I didn't, but the voices were getting louder and louder, and I was getting worse. I felt like everyone knew what I had done, and that they were all out to get me, so I couldn't leave the house. Kevin still lived here, but he never left his room, we never really spoke again after what happened.  I couldn't sleep at all at night because of the voices. I was loosing my mind, and there was nothing I could do about it.

Then one night I was in my bedroom, and I woke up to a loud crash. I went out to see what it was, and I seen this huge lump speeding towards me from under the carpet. I ran back into the room, as I just assumed it was some kind of animal that had gotten in, and decided to leave it be, it wouldn't do any harm as long as I kept my door closed, and it was the least of my worries then. Still I lay awake in my bed, terrified that it might be something more than an animal, and that when I had slammed my door closed, the next time I opened the door it would get me.  But, when I left my room to check out of fear, I couldn't find it anywhere, maybe it had escaped through the old cat flap or an open window somewhere.

Two weeks passed and it happened again. I was too curious this time, and I knew if I never faced my fear I would constantly think about it. So, this time I didn't run, I grabbed the carpet, and slowly lifted it up. What I saw terrified me. It was Elizabeth, alive and all... I'm not sure where from, but she was here. She immediately started screaming at me, saying "Why did you let Kevin get away with it? Why didn't you confess? Why didn't you stop him?!". I ran away from her, out of fear, but she chased me. She was like the voices had all come to live, and I could see them there and then. She followed me back into my bedroom, and that's when it began. She stayed for months, torturing me, verbally abusing me, and wouldn't go away. Everyday I woke up, full of fear of when she may appear next, never knowing when to expect her. At the start she only appeared every few days, but gradually over time, she appeared more and more, until after almost a year, she never left. When this happened, I decided I had had enough. I knew this was all in my mind, but I wasn't prepared to step foot in the world again, let alone get some help. I decided I had to do something about it, but as far as I could see there was only one option.. I had let my own son make me feel so guilty and awful that I was mentally ill to the point where I had no control over how I felt or what I did, and I knew no matter what I would never be able to forgive myself for what I had done, and I couldn't live like that. So, the next day I prepared myself to commit suicide..

Before I went through with this, I wrote a note to Kevin, the only person left in my life. In the note I explained everything, I wanted him to know what he had done to me and that he was the reason for this. I didn't deserve any of this, but it was all him. I still wanted him to live on, because at the end of the day this wasn't the Kevin I knew and loved, this was his schizophrenia. I wanted him to get help and to live on, to have a good life. It took my a good long while to finish it, but when I did I knew everything was ready, and I could leave this world. This goddamn, awful, dreadful world. Elizabeth was there when I was preparing everything, saying how much better I would feel when I was with her forever, and that we could live happily together, away from everyone else. There was nothing else left to do. This was it. I'm leaving the world to go and get my happily ever after, with my beautiful angel Elizabeth, who thankfully had forgave me now that I was going to her. So I grabbed my rope, tied it around my neck, and hung myself.