It's the moment where my past 4 years in college are coming to an end, it's the moment that everyone has been waiting for, but at the same time they're afraid of what comes after it, it's the moment when we are all officially fish in the sea, it's the moment where we start the journey of exploring ourselves and shaping our future, it's the moment where each one of us is divided based on their hopes and dreams in this life. My colleagues of 4 years, some of them I didn't like, some of them I didn't know and few of them I really like, all seated up around me on the well decorated huge stage as we wait for our names to be called out in the midst of all the applause of proud emotional parents. Everyone was taking selfies, everyone was full of smiles and excitement, everyone was dressed up, everyone was looking their best.
As a quiet girl that was trying to isolate herself from her colleagues as much as possible, I enjoyed the moment by myself internally, trying so hard not to show anyone around me how excited I am for the dean to call out my name & finally receive my ticket way out of university "my diploma". But I wasn't only trying to hide my excitement...I was also trying to hide something big...something more than excitement...something heavy that I've been carrying in me for the past 3 years... as I sit there with my dangling brunette hair in my white jumpsuit that goes perfectly with my tanned bronze skin & my silver Pandora bracelet in the middle of the crowd, the happy tears, the noise & the applause, my wide hazel eyes were resisting the urge to look at him, because not looking at him was very hard, it was torture...
The butterflies are squeezing my stomach & the more I inhale in his perfect man perfume, the more the butterflies in my stomach grow...he was seated right there beside me, his chair so close to mine as part of his black chemise showed from the graduation gown. As usual, he was seated with all the confidence in the world with his black hair perfectly styled, too confident that he'd intimidate anyone that would look into his deep brown eyes would make your heart beat faster than a hammer. I really wanted to get into his head & know what he thinks of my jumpsuit, I really wanted to know whether he thinks I'm pretty or not... I've been wanting to know so many things for such a long time now...
I look at him & realize that this is my last chance... I look at him & realize that it's now or never... I look at him & remember all the times we crossed each other in the hallways & he'd look me deep in the eye without saying a word, but it would still feel like he has said so many things... I look at him & realize that I need a push, that I need someone to push me, that I need someone to take all what I've been hiding in me for three years and shove it up to him. But what's really stopping me? What's the worst thing that could ever happen? After this moment, I might never see him again... or I might see him every day... all what I know is that everything is about to change right at this moment...and just like that, I just pushed myself off of the cliff
I take out a sticky note & a pen from my perfectly ironed jumpsuit that smells like tropical perfume & write "I've loved you 3 years". I hand it out to him with all the terror in my heart, with all the shivers in my hands & all the heat between my red cheeks... In that moment, I didn't know what the hell was I doing, but doing just it felt right, doing it just felt like something I should've done ages ago...
With his calm, charming & confident gorgeous face he looks at me & takes the sticky note, & as he flips it open to read, the dean calls out his name, he gets up, turns to face me & whispers "Me too, me too". I smile a little, I blush a little, my heart is alive, my heart is happy and everything suddenly makes perfect sense, one person, one word, has the power to flip your upside down with a blink of an eye... I want to get up & jump; I want to get up & scream in front of all those people "I love this man!!" ... But this... this isn't possible... this isn't possible because I never gave him that sticky note, this isn't possible because I never heard that "me too" from him... this isn't possible because I'm weak & all what I can do is daydream about him in my head... Like I've always done for 3 years... so for now, I sit there, side to side with the man I love during our graduation ceremony without uttering a word... wishing that my daydream becomes a reality...
