I Used To Hate You [Old]

Burden

Warning: Sick Tom, stalker activities, self harm, and suicide mentions

This is a serious warning, if you're sensitive to this stuff please don't read this chapter

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Tom Pov:

It's been 6 months of being alone, Tord has been gone completely back to being a leader, so I never see him anymore.

He gave me my own room and my own clothes, but it's all temporary since his plan is to take me to The Rebellion for me to stay there when he can find a way to contact Edd, since I have no purpose...

That's what he says and I don't know what way to take it... Personally or professionally... Either way, it hurts badly.

He doesn't love me anymore and I feel I should have expected this since I already knew he only felt love and lust for me because of the sickness, but it still hurts so bad for some reason. I'm still so dependent of him and his love, so I feel so so alone without him. I feel like a dog that just lost their owner to a healthy man that despises dogs.

My habits to keep me from feeling so alone are hugging myself 24/7, stealing Tords clothes from his dirty clothes bin and hugging them whenever I have the chance for the comforting smell, following him around in secret just so I can be around him, and masterbating... Yes I know all of those things are stalker like, but it's the only way I can cope. Please don't judge me...

Who ever judges the smol Tom I will pulverize >:(

But.. but they're not enough... I can't handle being alone... I can't live much longer... That's why... That's why I'm ending it all tomorrow night... I know, it's a overreaction. But you don't understand the pain I'm receiving...

My body and mind are constantly torturing me, literally. I'm feeling physical pain like pounding headaches, my heart physically hurting like it's being shot or stabbed, I constantly get spasms in my arms that make them hurt so bad that after a while I have to lay in bed for days, and my mind is constantly replaying happy memories with sick Tord that always make me throw up for some fucking reason.

I haven't been able to eat since my pickiness is making me physically unable to eat it, I always throw up the food. That's why Paul and Pat have to force food down my throat and give me medicine instantly after to keep it down.

Pat and Paul also have been keeping a eye on me 24/7 so it's hard to do things that are dangerous or help me cope, but I have ways to get past them. This means I just have to be extra careful when I do the deed tomorrow.

I look down at the cafeteria table as I hug myself and my eye twitches uncontrollably. I always come to breakfast to see if Tord comes, but a lot of soldiers have told me he just has his food delivered to him. So when I see he's not there for at least 10 minutes I walk back to my room, which is what I'm going to do right now.

I walk down the hall and to my room while shaking and on the verge of tears. I walk into my room and lock the bedroom door. I walk to my personal bathroom, lock myself inside, open the mirror cabinet, take out a razor blade I stole from the hygiene department, then sit down on the floor and against the wall.

I lift my blue hoodie sleeve up and sigh before sliding the sharp razor blade across my already slightly cut up skin from before. It causes blood to quickly trickle and pour from the large cut and down my arm which it gets on to my pants and the floor.

I repeat this process several times until the floor and both my arms are covered in blood and I'm on the verge of unconsciousness. I didn't cut enough to die, but I also cut too much to stay awake. I lean my head back against the wall as my eyes slowly close and I go unconscious from blood loss.

Don't worry Tord, I won't be a burden anymore soon....

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Yes I know that this is really dark and it's happening so quickly after Tord is cured, but I had to keep this eventful somehow 😅

The event will happen in the next chapter so stay tuned!