Always In The Back [Hanahaki!HopeMin/JiHope]

Chapter 3 - Useless

[TRIGGER WARNING: Mild violence, Mild verbal abuse, Psyhical abuse, Suicidal Thoughts]

"Jimin. My girlfriend wasn't able to come to practice these few days, but i still need to practice my part. Can you come supervise it? Record it?" Hoseok asked through the phone.

They were dating now. Hoseok chose to be with her, they gave their hearts to eachother and made promises... Just like Hoseok and Jimin stupidly did. Jimin wondered if Hoseok would break them to her, just like he did with him. But it wasn't his fault. She had him under a spell. She was making him do this. It was all her fault.

"Of course!" Jimin responded brightly, "Actually... I learned it too... So maybe i can dance for her part for a while, i think that might help! I really liked the choreography so i learned it by myself..." Jimin cooed cutely, hoping to get some kind of praise, or having Hoseok be surprised.

"Okay. See you in 30."

The phone bleeped, indicating that Hoseok hung up right after those few words. Jimin pulled the phone down from the side of his face and stared down at it. As he always did. Sad, big eyes, pouty, pretty lips... sad. Just like every time, now he regretted accepting.

He was questioning his own mind and heart. They kept throwing blame at eachother back and forth. His heart kept scolding him for trying to let go. His heart told him that it was Hoseok it wanted to be taken care by, and though it was in his hands, all Hoseok always did was tear it to pieces, break it. Jimin could recall way too many times he took it back, repaired it, and then, when he would give it back to Hoseok, Hoseok would throw it to the ground and break it worse than before. And yet, his helpless little heart still begged him to stay with Hoseok... while his mind scolded him for letting himself get so... used. So fooled. His mind was aware that Hoseok wanted nothing to do with him, Hoseok didn't care, so why did Jimin still hope? Why did Jimin imagine that one day, Hoseok would smile at him again? Smile, looking him in the eye? When will the day come where Hoseok would thank Jimin for the little things Jimin did for him which now went by unnoticed?

When? why couldn't it be when? Why did it have to be never? Why did Jimin have to go through this again? Why was Hoseok calling out to him just to tear him to pieces again, like he always did? Leaving Jimin to run away home in tears, all alone?

Why did Jimin have to cry before, through and after meeting the man he loved so dearly?

Why?

That's what was lingering in Jimin's fragile heart, tugging at it and hurting it. Jimin was glad he lived alone. Jimin was glad that, even if he was orphaned, and not even of age to live alone, he managed to handle himself and take care of himself, work for himself and pay for himself while in school. It saved him from having to muffle his broken crying, like now. Dressing himself in something comfortable and simple... All while warm tears slipped from his big, always sad eyes, soaking his pretty, rosy cheeks. Little croaks and hiccups of crying choking back in his throat as he cried. And cried, his chest heavy, aching. His whole body aching, but especially, his heart. His poor, fragile, lonely little heart as he sat down against the door. He was ready to go, but at what cost.

He didn't want to. Suddenly, any wish of seeing the outer world again, this world he didn't belong in. This world that never wanted him, this world that left him out, this world of his parents leaving him behind for he was a mere accident, his adoptive parents leaving him on his own for the mere reason he was so annoying and sensitive, why did he still go out there?

Why did he live? Why was he alone?

Why was he ever born?

He never asked for it to happen, so why did it happen? He wished it didn't happen, otherwise this wouldn't have been happening on an endless loop.