Glass Walls

Chapter Three

Chapter Three

I spent the night out there, just lying with my thoughts. I didn't particularly like what they had to tell me. That was probably because I could see some truth in the words Evan had slammed in my face.

It wasn't always everyone else. I always threw up my guards so quickly that no one ever really had any chance of getting past them. But what was I to do?

I'd let others past. And they all proved to be mistakes. I couldn't handle another shattering. People weren't built like they used to be.

I crawled home, entering with my own variation of the walk of shame. It was still early, only about six thirty. Mona was waiting for me at the kitchen table. The look of surprise strewn across her face when she saw me hurt. She hadn't expected me to come back.

"Well," she began. "This certainly is a pleasant little surprise." I was hurt by her words, but I guess that was her intention.

I stared at the floor, suddenly ashamed of who I was. I was that person who could only ask for forgiveness because all I was ever doing was making mistakes.

"Marti, it's no secret that I'm not expecting you to stay long. And, you aren't really giving me any reason to. I didn't expect you back, and frankly, I'm surprised you're standing in front of me.:

Her words cut deep and jagged, carving out scars worse than the ones I'd adorned on my body myself. But still my mouth kept frozen shut. It was all I could do to listen to her piercing words.

"No, I don't know what you've been through. I doubt I could begin to understand. But, I don't even think you want me to. It seems to me that you like living in this little world of misery."

I did, though. I wanted her to understand. Not to put my suffering on her, but because I actually thought I could make it work this time.

That's the thing. I'd come to that conclusion out there the night before, and here she was, already giving up on me. I suppose it's no one's fault but my own. That didn't make it any easier to handle.

"Mona, I..." I tried to talk but the words were just choked back down my throat, like someone was pinching my vocal chords. But, they stayed with me, floating around my mind, eating away from the inside.

"I don't know what to do. I'm supposed to try and help, to be a good 'guardian', but how? You don't want help. It's like at the shelter when you get a dog who's been beaten. He needs help, bad, if he's got a chance at surviving. But he's too damn wary and thinks you're going to hurt him every second you try and get close."

And that's when the tears started. In two years it was the first time I'd cried. It was the first time I'd let anything get to me that much. It was the first time I'd let my emotions surface in Lord knows how long.

I slid down the wall to the floor, using it as support for my limp body. I just didn't have the strength to hold myself up anymore. I don't even think I'd be worth the time and energy if I had it. I don't even think anybody would bother me if I could be avoided.

"I just...I don't know." It was hard for me to get even those simple words out. But it was all I could manage, and I sure as shits hated myself for that.

"Marti, what do you want? 'Cause if you don't wanna be here, then leave." Mona looked me in the eyes, the first person to do so in a long time. It finally felt like I was being acknowledged as a person and not just a piece of property. I wasn't some inconvience that she wanted rid of. I was someone again. That fact gave me courage.

"I don't want to leave. Which is weird. I've never wanted to stay. Anywhere. Ever. Not since I was eleven and just no good anymore..." I hadn't meant to add those last few words because I knew with the mention of my parents, guilt would flood into me. I didn't need to be bombarded with the memories. Not now.