helplessly gay. hyunlix

fuck you.

'why did this all happen?' most ask.

i truthfully don't know. it might've been the way i felt at home with him, more than i'll ever feel in the house i live in with my parents.

people materialize the word 'home'.

a home is a place where you feel safe. a place where you aren't scared.

i feel carelessly free with hyunjin. my parents make me uncomfortable and sad.

i guess i started to feel this way when hyunjae, my older brother confessed.

'mom? dad? i...... i have something to confess.'

i watched through the crack of the open door.

'what did you do this time.' my dad piped in while reading his newspaper.

I watched as my older brothers head drop.

'i- i think i like....... men.'

'what?'

my dad stood up, folding the paper.

'what the FUCK did you say?'

my brother whimpered as my mom just stood there, watching.

'i asked you a question, boy.

hyunjae just kept his head down while silently weeping.

i pitied my older brother, a knot forming in my stomach.

then all of the sudden, everything went slow.

slow as my dad approached my him.

slow as he slapped his face.

he lifted my brother's chin.

'listen you fucking queer. i want you gone by the time you turn 18.'

'but dad where would i stay?'

my mother shook her head and went back to cutting vegetables.

the sound of the blade meeting the cutting board never felt so menacing.

my brother didn't move.

as the atmosphere thickened, my dad finally lost it, taking the knife from my mother's hand, resulting in her hand being severely injured.

he pointed the knife at hyunjae.

'you diseased child. where the fuck did we go wrong with you. show your face to me again in this house and i'll make sure that you won't be able to talk with that tongue of yours. you whore.'

flinching, i ran into my shared room, my brother not far behind.

my brother is only 16.

and i witnessed that.

as a 10 year old.

that's when i realized that this world isn't as great as it came out to be. frankly, it's terrifying.

i swore that i would never become gay.

so fuck you.

fuck you, hwang hyunjin.