when the sun came up

xxi.

Emma  spent most of the rest of the day lazing around at Olivia's, the two girls rehashing their respective nights of debauchery, eating possibly the entire contents of the pantry, and indulging in a couple of trashy rom-coms before Olivia finally kicked Emma out.

"I can't believe I've had to physically push two people out of my apartment today," Olivia said gleefully, as Emma made to leave. "When did I get so popular?"

Emma simply stuck her tongue out and waved goodbye as she disappeared into the elevator.

When she got home, she somehow knew without a doubt that Ethan was back, though there were no visible signs of life. Was it ridiculous to think she could sense his presence? She was feeling unusually hyper alert, after all, so she supposed it wasn't too much of a stretch.

Emma closed the front door behind her and walked over to place her keys gently on the kitchen counter, before nervously moving to smooth her hair back – then scowling, and purposefully dropping her hand. What was she doing? Primping for Ethan? Ugh. The sooner she shook off this weird nerve-wracking post-sex funk, the better.

He emerged from his bedroom just then, probably summoned by the sound of Emma's entrance. Upon catching his gaze, Emma's face immediately warmed. He looked the same as he always did, and yet.

And yet... you've now seen every inch of that glorious body stark naked.

Shut up, brain!

While Emma fought to subdue her inner monologue, Ethan did what a normal person would do and greeted her.

"Hey Em," he said, his voice calm and easy. He eyed her as she remained unmoving by the kitchen counter, a small smirk growing on his face. "You gonna stand there all day?"

Emma cleared her throat and shook her head, laughing slightly. "No," she said, finally unsticking her feet from the floor and venturing towards the lounge area where Ethan was now reclining on the couch. Her heart was beating wildly and she felt like her whole body was blushing bright red. It was unbearable. She needed to do something.

"What did you do today?" Ethan asked idly, at the precise same time that Emma blurted out, "We should probably talk about last night."

An inevitably awkward pause ensued. Emma cringed at how cliché her words had sounded, but there was nothing for it. She needed to get through this before she imploded.

She'd paused just behind the armchair adjacent to the couch, feeling nervously hesitant to draw any closer to Ethan while simultaneously denying that she felt that way. Ethan, for his part, looked mild and unconcerned. The smile that had crossed his face seconds before when he'd spoken remained, though it seemed to have dimmed slightly. But perhaps that was just Emma's imagination.

"Okay," he said serenely, putting aside the book he'd just picked up and leaning forward to brace his forearms against his thighs. His eyes seared into hers. "What do you want to talk about?"

There was no use in being wishy washy and coy about it. For the first time since she'd stepped into the loft, Emma directed her gaze squarely at Ethan.

"We had sex," she said bluntly.

His lips quirked upward. "Yes, I remember."

Emma glared. "Ethan! Stop it."

"What?"

"I'm trying to be serious, you ass!"

He raised his hands in surrender. "Okay, okay. We had sex. It was amazing. And?"

Caught slightly off guard (though she didn't know why – she knew it was amazing too, why wouldn't he have admitted the same?), Emma nevertheless forged onward. "And it was pretty stupid."

His eyebrows shot up. "Stupid?"

"Yes, of course," Emma said impatiently. "Beyond stupid. I was drunk, and you're, well, you with the whole raging sex drive problem, and you made me blueberry pancakes and you were there being all smirky and annoyingly half-naked, so." She stopped to draw a breath. "I just wanted to make sure that was clear."

Ethan looked a little amused but mostly unimpressed. "Make sure what was clear, exactly? Because I'm not sure I managed to make sense of any of that."

Emma sighed. "Look, we're housemates. And even though you get on my last nerve all the time, I love the loft and I think we have a pretty good living arrangement here. And we've managed to, you know, mesh our friend groups really well. It just kind of works, doesn't it? And this – thing," she waved a hand to encompass the space between her and Ethan, "this one time incident, would just complicate matters if we made a big deal out of it and everyone found out. So it's probably best to just... get over it and chalk it up as a fluke."

She stopped to hear Ethan's response, but when he said nothing, she added persistently, "Right?"

The whole time she'd been speaking, Emma had been attempting to avoid looking straight at Ethan, but now she finally forced herself to and – it was strange. In the last few months she'd grown used to seeing him open up a little more around her, somewhat shed the snarky sarcastic façade he wore like a second skin and reveal someone a little warmer and more, well, real underneath.

But now it seemed she was back to square one, or possibly even worse than that. It was like looking at a blank slate. His face, the one she'd become so well accustomed to, the one that was now so familiar she knew it like the back of her hand, knew all its curves and angles and marks and tiny imprecisions, was like a stranger's. His expression was neither warm nor cold; it gave away absolutely nothing.

"E?" she attempted.

At that, he shook his head just a little before looking up at her again, his mouth a sideways twist.

"No, of course. That makes sense."

"Oh." Emma's stomach bottomed out a little. She felt relieved, but also oddly light-headed. Perhaps it was the late effects of her hangover. "Okay. I'm glad you see it the way I do, I guess." She gave him a small smile. "So... we're good?

Ethan nodded, moving to get up from the couch and pass swiftly by her. "Yeah. We're good."

He disappeared into his bedroom once again, leaving Emma still standing there beside the armchair. She didn't know why but she half-expected him to slam the door shut behind him. Instead, it closed with the softest of clicks and somehow, that alone made her feel worse than she had all day.

lil bit of angst <33333