The Hollow

Lessons from the Wind (That I've Yet to Learn)

When I met my best friend, she bestowed powers upon me: she gave me the gift of Air. I knew she was special, and she thought I was special, so she took a chance and entrusted me with a gift she said would fit me perfectly. "I give you command of the element Air," she told me. "It shall surround you in a perfect halo around your body, and it will revere you."

The funny thing is that I had asthma, as well as a habit of leaving my mouth, which caused severe dry throat and stole my voice away many times. As a kid, I'd always dreamed of flying, but found that to be too out of my reach. Instead, I figured water was an element better suited for me. Plenty of mysteries to explore. No mere human could bother me when I was depths below them. Plus, I was used to not breathing. I wanted to give up the action altogether, because I just wasn't very good at it.

The ocean offered a promise of peace that only getting caught in the current can.

So when my powerful priestess of a friend entrusted me with the gift of Air, I was stunned. I thought she didn't know me very well at all. I couldn't wield Air.

However, I still did. I began noticing how, when I'd be upset, the wind would blow harshly to coincide with my emotions. I began noticing how hard it was for me to keep control of myself when nobody on the outside would have guessed my emotional turmoil. I began noticing that the wind blew fiercely wherever I went, and the only reason I hadn't ever noticed was my complete disconnect to the air. I never breathed it in properly, so I ignored it.

I realized that, even before my friend had magically enabled me to wield Air, the element had been mirroring the gale of grief within me my whole life, perhaps just on a smaller scale. The air was very rarely still. Air had been calling out to me the entire time.

Knowing this, I became afraid of myself. Something was terribly wrong with me, but I'd managed to ignore it my entire life, because I hadn't acknowledged the wind.

I was relieved at first when my friend took the power away from me. She said she knew it was too much responsibility, to always feel like one has to be in control of their emotions. In other words, I hadn't cleaned up on the inside. Still, it was nice to hear the wind roaring and thinking, "Well, what can I do about it?"

My friend gave the power back to me without telling me. One summer day, the breeze was steadily growing. I felt a rush of power, a strange thrill I hadn't felt in some time. And I missed  Air.

When I told my friend about the experience, she said she had given the power back to me as a sort of test. What would I do about it this time? My emotions were only getting worse. They were a cyclone within me. And as the years went on, there seemed to be very little breezes, and few thrills of power. Instead, I felt terrified and angry and suicidal.

And then, there was the calm before the storm. I'd become happy. I'd forced myself to. I'd cleaned myself up, and everyone around me noticed and loved me for it.

As it turns out, my internal storm had finally been released to the external world. I myself was fine. But there was a category five hurricane on the horizon, and it was heading straight for my island. That's how I knew it was from me. That's how I knew I'd caused it. Because I knew it was not going to turn away, like everyone said it would. I knew this hurricane, because it was me, seeking revenge, or perhaps solace. Whatever it wanted, it came barreling towards me, and I had to face the wreckage within me all over again.

On the bright side, seeing the external damage on the island was very...validating. Trees were bare, the bark twisted, all grass was decimated, the beautiful Caribbean water was colored an odd turquoise that looked like lethal poison, but the kind that would kill you slowly. My world, my reality in my head, was finally the "real" reality. And I couldn't face it.

It's been a while since that happened. I don't feel a connection to Air anymore. I loathe the wind. Instead, I tried out my childhood dream of plunging into the ocean, and I've yet to learn how to swim. I've drowned so many times, or maybe I've only drowned once but it's taking me forever to be finished off.

But recently, I've been finding myself treading lightly. My friend, the one that catalyzed my journey, had harnessed water all that time ago. To make a long story short, I lost that friend shortly after I let the hurricane out of me. But I've found myself channeling her spirit so I can live. Maybe I've always channeled her. Water comes from hurricanes too.

I'm a destructive force, and I don't know what to do about it. But I know that with this much power, I could accomplish anything...if I know how to apply it.

I will try to reach the surface again, to gulp in one last breath if I can. I will try to feel the wind. And maybe when I do, I will finally hear what it has to say.