Sharing Dean Winchester

Chapter 8

A Few Weeks Later.

Dean POV

I return from a supply run, carrying the bags through to the kitchen, to find Sam and Lexie cooking. Sam is making his chicken pasta, the recipe he 'perfected' whilst with Ameila. I can smell the delicious aroma of Lexie's toffee and cinnamon pie.

I put the bags on the table, and stand motionless, when Lexie turns from placing the pies in the oven, her face is back to normal. The fading bruises that were an off yellow colour this morning, are gone, there's no trace of the cut on her lip, that she was sure was going to leave a scar, she's standing straighter than I've seen in weeks, her ribs fixed.

Cas is back from Purgatory, and staying in the bunker with us. He doesn't remember how he got out, but it has to have something to do with Heaven. He's been resting, recharging his batteries, because he wasn't at full power.

"Cas is feeling better I see?" I ask, trying to sound happy. It's great if Cas is feeling better, it's good he healed Lexie, except it isn't, because now it means she will leave.

Lexie smiles broadly, starting to unpack the groceries, "yeah, just in time too, I was getting cabin fever."

Sam laughs at her enthusiasm, helping to empty the bags. "She's already found a job," he sneers down at his best friend, "she can't even stay for dinner."

"But I made a goodbye pie," she snarks back. She shrugs, a happy smile on her mouth. "I feel better than I've felt in weeks. I haven't driven my car in forever, I want to get out there."

I hear the undertones of 'I want to get away from Dean'. The last few weeks have been tough. We've given each other the silent treatment as much as we've been able to, only talking if absolutely necessary, and those conversations have been awkward, clipped, or strictly professional.

The last time we made eye contact was during our fight, which neither of us have apologised for.

Sam and I have been on four jobs, and each time we left, I had a knot in my stomach, thinking she would be gone by the time we got back. Then the relief of finding her still here, made me feel like shit. The guilt of wanting her around but not giving her what she wants, killed me every time.

I get that I was wrong about her and Sam. I understand now that they really are over each other, or they weren't ever truly in love, whatever. I believe it now, hearing their frank and honest conversation. The sincerity of their voices, when they didn't know I could hear them. They haven't lied to me to try to rid me of my guilt, they have told me the truth; they aren't in love with one another.

But that makes the whole fucked up situation a million times worse, because now the only thing stopping me being with Lexie is me. The fear of losing her, because bad shit happens to the people I love. Love isn't a gift, Lexie being in love with me is a burden, it should be a gift. A gift to have the unbridled love of this amazing woman, it should make me feel alive, hopeful, happy, but it doesn't.

She's already a problem for me, she's already my Achilles' heel. If I give into her, if I let myself fall deeper in love with her, it's just an accident waiting to happen. It would just be a matter of time, before the inevitable happens and she dies or leaves me because she can't put up with my shit any more. It's better to not have her than lose her. Although I've already had her and lost her.

"I um," I swallow a large lump in my throat, dropping my gaze from Lexie's beautifully healed face, "I need - I forgot the whiskey."

"Dean," Sam calls my attention. He's standing holding two bottles of Johnnie Walker he just took out the bags.