South (Book 1, Southern Royals Saga)

Chapter 18: Diary of Deception

September 6, 1957

Dear Diary,

I'm in love. I'm in love with a man who doesn't love me.

But, we made love, Diary. Sweet, passionate love. He was non-hesitant, and I didn't know he was married.

He has a wife that he loves very much, Eleanor; I saw her when I snuck over to Helena the other day. I needed to see Peter, to tell him what has happened. Oh, she's so beautiful, Diary! Long, strawberry blonde hair, and deep chestnut-like eyes. But, she's sick. Peter told me I was a distraction, a distraction from Ellie's deteriorating mental health.

And now, I'm pregnant with his child. I'm only seventeen, diary. How am I supposed to raise a child, when I myself am still a child?

Peter lied to me. He lied by omission. It's not my fault, but I feel like it is. I was raised to be better than a dirty homewrecker!

Peter told me he would love me forever. He told me I was his one and only. We did so much, Diary! I hate what he's done, and I hate that he lied.

But, I can't bring myself to regret the decision to make love to him.

I've come to realize I don't hate him at all.

If anything, I think I love him more.

If he came, crawling on his knees, begging me to let him into my heart, I would no doubt say to him that my heart has always belonged to him.

I love him, diary, and I don't think that will ever change.

I shut Nana's diary, threw it near the foot of my bed and sighed.

I tried lying down to rest, but it was utterly impossible. The moon was bright, white light pouring through my bedroom window. Normally, I was enthralled with the sight of the glowing moon, and all of the stars that surrounded it.

Octans shined, the one that resembled an isosceles triangle. Octans story was that of a small sighting telescope and set of tiny mirrors that enabled navigators to read the direction of stars and planets concerning the impeding horizon. Basically like a compass of sorts.

I wondered if it could be a compass to me, telling me how to end this horror that has befallen my life over the past six years.

But, this horror started long before my father's death, didn't it? Long before he himself was born, long before the now Walker family was even a family.

I saw my grandmother at seventeen; pregnant and alone.

Nana was in love with Peter Reed; he was married to Ellie, Brandon's grandmother. Peter got my grandmother pregnant and never spoke to her again.

I wonder if he even knew about her pregnancy.

Of course, he did; why else would he have called off their affair?

Here lately, half of my nights have been spent reading Nana's secrets, and the other half thinking about the person I hated most in this world.

Rebecca Walker.

I promised myself I wouldn't fritter away my life thinking about the mother I never really had, but I can't help. She was a worthless excuse for a mother, admitting she had only married my dad because she got pregnant with me.

Kind of like how Nana married Papa to cover up her affair with Peter.

I couldn't help but think how similar I was to Will. It was ridiculous, I know, but I wondered how he dealt with it; spending his life, knowing he was a child made from a shameful secret.