My Diary

Day 376

A week and a half...I have a week and a half before comfort is gone, depression swells, anxiety grows...and fear multiplies...i start community college in a week and a half. At first i thought i would be excited...but now? Every morning the knot in my stomach curls tighter as i think about what's gonna happen....what people will think...the worst of all is the pictures by far. Mom takes too many and when I see what I look like in those pictures...I'm repulsed. I want to throw up, bile gathers in my mouth and I want to delete them so the people on Facebook and Instagram won't need to bleach their eye sockets. What to wear us also something else that worries me...people would see my arms, my double chin...my legs...my disgusting face. I cant remember the last time I looked at my body and wanted to be in it. Jeans and a t-shirt? I look like I'm 8. Shorts and a crop top? People don't need to see the lump of disgusting fat that is me. A big sheet would be better, that way people wouldnt see me...and neither would I... Another thing, my voice, ever heard your own voice and wanted to rip out your vocal cords? That's me. Mom says I'm too violent...she doesn't know the half of it...the voices are louder...he's not leaving any time soon...but I like him sometimes... when I fall into that dark pit...he doesnt help me out...he says I'll only fall in again. So he sits there with me. Just sitting. He wont talk, he won't touch me... Aiden just sits. The nightmares keep me company when aiden doesnt...the last one was horrible. I don't know what it meant...but I was scared...it was cold, I was in water I remember...but not in a pool or a lake. A vast enormous body of water, and I was sinking. I kept going until the pitch black and freezing cold water got hot...really quickly. The black turned red and something flooded into me. Something, that wasn't right. I blinked and there I was, on a metal table. In a really white room. I was sleeping I think. Until the body on the table sat up and turned to look at me, it said; "you've been here long enough. It's starting to fade. Wakey wakey, the master doesn't like waiting. I fell...I fell and fell and fell until I suddenly woke up, I was in a cold sweat. My heart was beating like crazy. But I still feel like I'm in the water...maybe I havent woken up yet, maybe I never will...maybe...I'll stay here...cold and wet until that somethibg comes back. And maybe next time I'll see it.