Finding Home

Chapter 1: Anna, 22. July 2015

Anna whipped open the door of her apartment and the icy air hit her like a fierce, yet welcomed, blow. It revived her entire body. It was just after 2:00 AM, but even still the walk home had been a stifling struggle. It was much warmer than normal for such an early hour. It is only a half-mile walk from Anna's beachside bartending gig to her apartment, but tonight, that half-mile seemed to stretch on and on, and walking by the beach did nothing to cure the heat.

Anna always kept her apartment well air conditioned in the summer, even though it meant extra money towards her bills from May to September. She simply could not bear the heat during Florida summers. Even when she opened her eastward facing windows, which looked out towards the Atlantic Ocean just two blocks up the road, no breeze ever seemed to make it to her.

Going into it, she truly thought she could hack Florida in the summer. But since she moved down to the Sunshine State two months prior, she found that the sweltering humidity of her childhood in New York City paled in comparison to the Florida coastline in the summer months.

It didn't matter though. Unbearable heat or not, her small semi-ocean view apartment was heaven on Earth to her. She hated her New York City upbringing, where the only signs of nature she ever encountered were dirty pigeons in small man-made parks. It was joyfully ironic to her that growing up in one of the most famed cities in the world did not make her a city girl. For as long as she could remember, she had always longed to live somewhere that was littered with forests and wild flowers, had views only obstructed by mountain peeks, or that had beaches stretching for miles, without a clear end in sight. Instead, she was made to settle for streets littered with fast food wrappers and empty beer cans, sight lines blocked by sky scrapers, and yellow cabs that ran through the city as wild as the ocean's waves.

"The grass is always greener," her mother would always say whenever Anna, even as a young child, would tell her mom that she wished they lived elsewhere.

She cringed when her mother's voice popped into her head. It was too late to start that internal battle.

Anna loved her mother dearly, but she also could not understand her, or for that matter, stand her at all lately. Anna grew up without any family. It was always just her and her mom against the world. More often than not, that translated to just Anna against the world, because her mother was – and still is- completely encompassed by her work. Anna always believed that if they could go somewhere else, somewhere outside of New York City, they could have a life similar to the people in the TV shows she watched as a young child. The families who always sat down together for dinner each night never lived in NYC.

"Let's go for a hike in Pennsylvania. Or to the lake upstate. Or down the shore to a beach!" Anna enthusiastically tried on one unusual Saturday morning that she woke up to find her mom was actually at home instead of the office.

"Why Anna," her mother answered, looking genuinely confused, "would you want to sit in a car for three hours to see some trees and dirt, when some of the most significant establishments in world are just a short walk away?" She thought a moment. "Get dressed. We are going to the New York Botanical Garden!" Anna loved the Botanical Garden. But at 10 years old, she thought that if she could just get her mom out of the city long enough for her to enjoy the natural beauty of the world, to feel the warm ocean breeze on her face and smell the salty sea air that went with it, her mother may reconsider city life. Anna never succeeded in that battle.

Once Anna was old enough to realize that her scheme to get her mom out of the city and away from her work would never happen, she made a vow that she would at least get herself out of New York. When she was a junior in high school, she started looking at colleges in more laid-back atmospheres. This was not her mother's intended plan, her heart was set on NYU for Anna. Anna's heart was set on escaping and creating for herself what she had always longed for but never had.

The buzz of her window air conditioning unit kicked on, and Anna shook her head hard, coming back to the present. She often found herself thinking about these memories, wondering at her mother's cool demeanor. Tonight, apparently, was no exception.

She poured herself a glass of wine. She was going to need it if she were ever going to wind down and get some sleep because, in addition to the memories running through her head, Anna couldn't shale the conversation she had with her mother just earlier that evening.

"Jen Marie's Seaside Saloon, how can I help you?" Anna answered the bar's phone on the second ring, skillfully snagging it from the receiver and tucking it between her shoulder and ear, as she grabbed a tumbler from the shelf with one hand, and a house bottle of vodka from the shelf with her other.

"Anna!" Came an enthusiastic voice from the other end. "Listen, I just got home from work and the customer service manager quit today! I can get you in for an interview, but I will need your resume tonight, these jobs go so quickly. Can you send it to me within an hour?"

"Mom, you cannot call here unless it is an emergency. I am working right now." Anna immediately barked back in a half yell, half whisper. She turned her back towards the group of 20-somethings who had taken residence at the bar since 5:00 p.m. for Happy Hour. Although, at this point, she thought, they likely were not able to pay much notice to her phone conversation. "And honestly, mother, how would you think my boss would react if she heard my mom calling my current job to offer me a new one? I would be fired in a heartbeat." Anna glanced at the antique clock hanging on the bar's eclectic wall and wasn't even the slightest bit surprised that it was nearly 10:00 p.m. and her mom was only just getting home from work.

"Oh Anna," her mother exhaled. "You graduated three months ago. This bar gig of yours is not a real job. it's just a place holder. The summer is ending and it is about time you came back to Manhattan and started your career. I started in the customer service team at the bank and look at me now! This opportunity cannot be overlooked Anna."

"I have to go mom," Anna said annoyed. She picked up a sponge and started to mindlessly wipe down the other end of the bar, where a couple, clearly on a first date by their awkward and forced conversation, had recently left. As she wiped, she felt overwhelmingly discouraged by the countless times she had explained to her mother that her bank- or any bank for that matter- was nowhere near Anna's dream for herself. Her mother had started in customer service when she was just 22 years old- answering phones and consoling grumpy customers- and was now Vice President of the branch. She thought Anna, who held a college degree, could move up even quicker. But Anna knew better. She would never be able to throw herself into a desk job the way her mother did, neglecting her family, neglecting her own self. To Anna, it really seemed as though her mother had nothing, no feelings, no desires, no life, beyond the bank. Anna stopped wiping for a moment and steadied herself on the beer-cap covered counter where the phone she had just slammed down moments ago, without a, "goodbye," rested. She was a bit shaky, maddened by her mother's assumptions and full of grief that her mother and she did not understand one another better. She is the only family I have in this world, Anna thought, and sometimes I think we might as well be strangers. I mean really, how could she think I would be happy at a bank?

"Excuse me!" Her thoughts were abruptly interrupted by a brown-haired girl in the Happy Hour group. "Excuse me," the girl said again, "Can we get one more round? It's on my tab. Wooo!" She threw her hands up excitedly while the rest of her group returned her cheer and thanked her with high fives. Anna poured the round, knowing that this would be their last of the night, and grimaced at the thought of how the crew would be feeling the next morning in their cubicles come 9:00 a.m.

Anna drank her wine in three quick gulps, placing her glass down and allowing herself to sink deeply into her plush couch. Exhausted and happy to be in her ocean-view apartment with the air conditioning on high, far from NYC and her mom's rigorous career expectations, she leaned back and drifted off into a hazy dreamland.