Fragments of Arcadia: You Are Strong

I.

It was one of those days.

Evangeline was late to work, didn't have time to do her hair and most importantly couldn't find the strength to move.

She was dressed but staring into her mirror. She didn't know why she decided to look in the mirror. Well she did, it was try and fix her hair a little before work but she knew better than to try on these days.

"You're not good enough."

"Those people aren't going to miss you. They don't care about you."

"They don't want to see you, who would? Look at you"

"You look even worse than normal today."

"You don't deserve today."

Her anxiety and depression decided today was the day. It's hard to find motivation to do anything, much less go to work when you're your own worst enemy.

Evangeline just sat there and stared. She wasn't even really looking at the mirror or herself or if she was, she didn't know it. It certainly didn't register if she was.

She existed. Unmoving, unmotivated and the overarching dread of already being late kept her trapped where she was. She was like an animal trying to escape a tar pit, futile.

But she knew that on days like this, it was more important than anything that she try to do something, anything.

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She focused on the air filling her lungs and its release from her lips. She focused her dread into each breath, hoping that she could at least trick herself into thinking she was getting rid of it too.

It didn't really work, but it didn't have to. It just had to work enough for her to finish getting a brush through her long, frizzy cherry brown hair, grab her glasses, phone and keys and get out the door.

Naturally, all those same emotions came flooding back as soon as she was outside in the city air, but that was the plan. She just had to keep on walking. The public library where she worked was only a couple blocks away, but that's a lot longer when you're on the verge of an anxiety attack on the way there.

"They're starting at you."

"They're talking about you after you walk by."

"They're disgusted by you."

As the intrusive thoughts increased so did her walking speed. The whole sidewalk and everyone on it become so big, so distracting, so loud and so overwhelming.
"Just keep walking," she thought to herself as her palms started sweating.

She felt her hands shaking as she reached the steps of what was supposed to be her safe haven. It was a nice quiet place that let her read all the books she wanted and didn't overwhelm her anxiety. However, days like these were different. The library also left her alone with herself on days like this.

The first one to notice her when she walked in was Sheila, the library's director. She noticed Evangeline's shaky hands, the cold sweat, the distant eyes and it was an unspoken understanding.

When Evangeline first started working, Sheila didn't really understand what she was going through. However, over the last year, the library had served as the meeting place for parents of children on the spectrum and a safe place for those with anxiety.

Through these interactions, Sheila had been slowly learning how different people see the world and how it can be so overwhelming to some people.

Sheila started her day with a cup of coffee and never stopped moving until she clocked out for the day. Whether it was grant writing, coordinating events for the library or using the bookmobile to create popup libraries, she was always doing something. She was always talking, always meeting new people, always doing something.